One Person

There is a person in my life who means everything to me. When i say everything, I really do mean EVERYTHING: happiness, sadness, fun, pain, humor, excitement, a good thing, a bad thing, a friend, a foe, someone i love, someone i hate, everything. He has single-handedly made me experience more emotion than probably the rest of the people I know combined. I mention him here in passing sometimes, but he wouldn't know, because he does not read my blog. He doesn't like reading much, and perhaps that is a good thing. He is the only close guy friend I have; he is also my first serious crush. He knows that he is, and he tries to be understanding, tries to get me to 'snap out of it', to 'move-on', to give up my belief in the 'ridiculous' idea that love happens only once.
But I don't think that it's that simple. I think that if i'm meant to get over him, I will, it will happen in its own time. But until and if it does happen, I will be a good friend to him and not let my feelings come inbetween, just like i have for almost 3 years now. Yes, it will probably hurt when he starts seeing someone, but i'm not afraid of the hurt. That is something I feel used to now, because thinking/talking to him and feeling hurt have become almost synonymous. He does not hurt me on purpose. (He would not hurt anyone on purpose because he is a wonderful person.) But I hate it when he makes me feel like a stranger to his world. It hurts when he doesn't share things with me and says quite clearly to my face that i'm not one of his 'close friends'. If i'm not his close friend, why did I spend hours online during and after my Diwali break last year, patiently listening to him talk about how mixed-up he was after the break-up with his ex-girlfriend? Why did I literally and sincerely pray to God for his happiness, when he is so stingy with sharing that happiness with me when it has at last come?
It hurts when he says how he was up till 3a.m. talking on his cell-phone to 'friends', and yet, he never has enough balance to call ME, except on my birthday. I wish birthdays came more often than once a year.
It hurts when he can save up pocket money to spend with friends visiting him from out of town, but never has enough for so much as a cup of coffee with me. I sound a little weird, I know, but I'm always weird when it comes to him. I'm not myself.
I've tried to tell him that it hurts when he treats me like I'm not important, but he gets angry at me then. He says I should not be so insecure, I should know what i mean to him. But how can I know something he never shows? How can I ever feel important when he repeatedly says how 'very few people' know him, making it clear that I am not one of those people. I would tell him how he is the ONLY person who knows ME, but I'm pretty sure hearing that would make him angry again. And i don't like it when he is angry at me. That hurts too.
But like I said, I'm not afraid of the hurt. There is no happiness without hurt, or rather, there is no hurt without happiness too. He may hurt me unconsciously, but he also makes me happy. A lot. Sometimes he doesn't even have to do anything; just thinking of him makes me smile. Not because I love him, but because he is a nice person. Even if he was not my first crush, thinking of him would make me smile. I'm glad he came into my life, or rather, I went into his, because he made me realise just how much I'm capable of feeling and how amazing that is, and also how just one person can make all the difference.