22

Twenty two. It sounds like quite a hell lot of years. Fortunately, I do have something substantial to show for them. They translate to over two decades of growing and learning and striving to be better.
I have evolved; from a problem child to an ideal child, from a loner to a pleasant person with plenty of friends, from a timid, silent girl to a (somewhat) confident self-assured young woman; from a student who hated school from the very first day to a high-achiever who made it to the top 50 in her university graduating class; from a child who just would not learn how to wield her pencil properly round the letters of the alphabet to a writer whose pen flies so fast across the page that sometimes she can't make out her own handwriting. I sure have come a long way, experiencing the past twenty two years of this quizzical thing called life.
There has been so much happiness, and countless 'good times'. And there has been a fair amount of sadness and tragedy. I've known hundreds of people, been acquainted with even more. I have cherished people. I have lost a lot of them too - to death, and sometimes to life (life, as is typical of it, brought changes and separated us). I have been both good and bad; strong and weak; nice and mean. I have loved and I have hated. I have had my heart broken. I have somehow had it put back together too. I have had it broken again. I have erred and have stood corrected. I have been wronged and I have forgiven and forgotten. I have hurt and gotten over it. I have been scarred. I have lived.

So, how am I celebrating this 22nd landmark in my journey?

Well, compared to previous birthdays, this one is turning out to be a tad too much of a 'grown-upsy' one. To start with, today is a working day and EVERYONE (beginning with me) is just SO BUSY that I decided to celebrate yesterday. I met three close friends, watched Ajab Prem ki Ghazab Kahani (which is a great laugh riot btw - but still didn't quite cheer me up) and had lunch. I received some nice gifts (thank you people - you know who you are!). In fact, I even got my first ever pay cheque just 2 days ago so that makes this birthday kind of unique from the rest and pretty special too. (I can't quite stop gazing adoringly at that little slip of paper with my name and a certain very appealing amount of money printed together on it! - it's a good, GOOD feeling to know I've actually EARNED all of it!)
But of course, despite all of that, something was (is) still missing. If you read my last post, you would understand what. This will sound stupid but a little part of me - okay, much more than a little actually - was secretly hoping that he would call and say something that would magically restore things to the way they used to be. It is far fetched but in my heart of hearts I couldn't help wishing that the whole 'friendship called off' thing was just another one of his stupid practical jokes. But, as is often the case when you want something MORE THAN ANYTHING EVER, no such thing happened or seems likely to happen anytime soon. He did wish me (for old times' sake I guess), but things still stand as he had said they would. God, this is just so terrible. . . Why is it that when someone suddenly leaves your life, everything - EVERY SMALL DAMN THING - somehow reminds you of them? WHY? Apart from the usual things that I've always associated with him (like some particular kind of music or the usual time of day when we would be chatting online), now even seemingly unrelated stuff somehow forms a direct connection to him inside my brain. I hate it. I just want to forget. Sometimes I wish memories could be erased - they have such an annoying way of torturing me and filling me up with this unbearable bittersweet nostalgia/regret/desperation/helplessness that doesn't let me eat/sleep/work/do anything else in peace. Oh God, please help...help help help!
However, this whole cyclone that seems to have hit my life at last (yes, I had kind of sensed it building up over the past few months) did bring about a couple of pleasant surprises. A BFF from my school days called up! (Love you A!) We heard each other after over FOUR YEARS. Honestly, FOUR YEARS!! Where the hell did four years PASS? But the thing is neither of us has changed much. She's still mad and funny and lovable and comes up with the wackiest insults! What's more is lots of other old friends got in touch too and I felt all overwhelmed that so many lovely people care about me.
I also happen to be surrounded by a bunch of real sweet, supportive friends who're trying their very best to cheer me up and I am so grateful to God for blessing me with them. :) Even some of the clients I work with unknowingly make me smile by the way they depend on me and trust me and appreciate my work.
Anyhoo, 22 it is then. Here's to another year of living and learning and sharing and caring and growing and loving. Happy Birthday to me.
I'll be seeing 2012 later today. Does anyone else find it ironic that I'm going to see a movie about the end of the world on my birthday? LOL.

Song that's at my lips these days: 'Milke bhi, hum na mile...tum se na jaane kyon...milon ke, hai faasle tumse najaane kyon...anjaane hai silsile tum se najane kyon...Kaise bataye kyon tujhko chahe, yaara bata na paaye...'