What's done....is done.

Well, I've been thinking a lot lately, (what's new, right?) and I've realised that some relations come with a bit of an expiry date. And once that date is reached, there is nothing - absolutely NOTHING - we can do to keep them lasting, no matter how desperately we want to.
I guess something of this sort is exactly what has happened to the friendship that went sour a couple of days ago and has quite destabilized my world.
I admit that whatever happened, came about largely because of ME. I made a lot of mistakes and then repeated them over and over again. But I still don't think that they were/are unforgivable mistakes. They were not so bad that someone whom I consider/considered really close to me should use them as an excuse to say hurtful things to me and leave so as to get some 'peace of mind'.
I guess the very foundations of our friendship were laid out all wrong and unsteady. Right from the start, for reasons that I suppose are obvious but I don't wish to state here, he meant a lot more to me than I will ever mean to him. He was the first person EVER that I got really and truly ATTACHED to. I always knew it wasn't a good thing, getting too close to people and sharing too much of yourself with them, but somehow in his case, I completely failed to restrict myself and let all inhibitions disappear. I have never felt so...ME, with anyone, if you know what I mean. It felt great, honestly, really, really great, but now, it feels indescribable. It feels excruciating and infuriating and wrenching all at once.
The one question that constantly clouds my mind is WHY?. Why did I have to put myself in this situation in the first place? Why didn't I just listen to my sharp mind and ignore my stupid heart? Why did I care so much for a person who now tells me I never meant much to him? Who repeatedly says that he has other closer friends and I didn't matter at all ever. Who is completely and unabashedly disregarding three years of what I thought was a wonderful bond. Who did not budge even when I showed a side of me that I didn't know existed by literally crying - uncontrollably - on the phone with him. Who didn't even forgive me when I asked for it as a birthday present. Who KNOWS how special this friendship is for me but finds it 'weird' because it was never that way for him. Who came down to telling me that if he ever returns it will be out of sympathy for me. Sympathy. Yes, that was the word he used. Anyone else have friends doling out sympathy rather than empathy? Or am I the odd one out in this case too? He may 'sympathise' with me considering some of the things about my life I have shared with him and only him. Why did I confide in him, why? That's just one more question that disturbs me. And yet, ironically, HE is the one struggling for some peace of mind, even without any of these questions bothering him. Without anything at all bothering him. In fact, I'd be surprised if he so much as looked up if someone told him I'd jumped off a cliff or something. (Not that I'm going to. I'm not THAT crazy, you know.)
So I guess all the imbalanced feelings and emotions and expectations finally gave way and caused the wobbly tower of our relation to come crashing down and sink into the ground. I got stuck in the rubble, he pulled out a hidden parachute well in time and flew away to safety and serenity and other friends and nothing but a lingering, amusing memory of me, the psycho who just wanted too much and stretched his patience beyond limits. But you know what? I may be trapped in the ruins, but emergency forces arrived almost immediately. Friends, both old and recent, were quick to provide wonderful words of support and wisdom and love and care. And the Almighty sent along some other random things and people to keep me from sinking deep, deep down. Which is why I feel calm and composed. A bit short of breath, sure, but still, I know it's going to be okay. I'm convinced this is all just for the best. If the friend I valued so much did not value me back, it's all right. I'm sure a day will come when he'll see that I'm not that worthless after all. That the fallen tower can be rebuilt, more carefully. I just hope that when that day comes, it's not too late. And for the time being, I need to find my way out of the ruins and reclaim the life I used to have without him. One step at a time.