There's a song by Avril Lavigne called Anything but Ordinary and, like so many other songs, it seems to have been written especially with me in mind. It starts with 'Sometimes i get so weird, i even freak myself out.' How true. Though, despite that, i kind of love my weirdness. It's what makes me me. Or rather me is what has made my weirdness. Right, i know that last sentence doesn't make sense. What i really mean is that just 'being me' is where my weird ways stem from. There, is that any more comprehendable? Well, whatever. It would be nice though, if my weirdness didn't create so many issues all the time. Arguments, squabbles, misunderstandings, hurt feelings (often my own) and basically a lot of unpleasant stuff that could otherwise be quite easily avoided. Honestly, some of the stuff i say or do, is so not intended to convey what it actually ends up conveying. That's ironic, considering that i'm a writer. You probably expect i should be more clear if i dream of connecting with thousands of people one day through what i write. But that's the problem. I can WRITE clearly, but i can't SAY anything aloud or DO something in the way i mean to. Which leads to it backfiring. Very badly. And leaves me feeling like an idiot - which is a feeling I should be used to by now but i'm not. :P
Well, i've come up with a bit of a...erm...theory, i suppose you could call it, or formula, or whatever, about how to control this weirdness which lands me in oh so much trouble! So the theory is kinda inspired by some stories i was reading in Chicken Soup for the Woman's Soul. One of the stories made me discover that i tend to try and find my own happiness in what people think of me. 3 years of learning more psychology than I can fathom didn't do that, and a two page long story did it. (see why i like stories so much?) So...from now on, with any luck, i shall keep this lovely quote in my mind by Agnes Repplier: 'its not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and impossible to find it elsewhere.' I've realised that what i need to do - very desperately - is to search for my contentment from within, rather than try to build my happiness around other people. Even if its not easy, even if past experiences continue to haunt me, it's a lot better than focussing on others all the time. Well, i hope i'm strong enough to do that.
I'll end this post with a little prayer that i found in the said book and totally loved:
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things i cannot change;
The courage to change the things i can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.
I think we all need to say that prayer now and then.
The 25 things thingy
So this 25 things thingy has been going around fb quite a lot lately, and although nobody tagged me, i thought i'd try and think about 25 things about myself. So here goes:
1. I daydream alot - it's almost like i live in an imagined world of my own most of the time, even when i'm interracting with people in the actual world.
2. I'm a true scorpio personality - that means i'm determined, passionate, emotional, really vengeful, jealous and crazily romantic.
3. I think marriage is overrated. What matters is love- not a formal, legal bond that makes someone yours and you someone else's.
4. There is only one person who i think REALLY knows me. I've told them some things about myself that i would never ever tell anyone and yet i've only known them for about 3 years now. And i'm pretty sure that said person hasn't the vaguest idea what they mean to me. I definitely don't mean half as much to them.
5. I love the rain and that musty smell of damp earth
6. I love the colors red and black. I could live on a complete wardrobe of just reds and blacks
7. I'm a hopeless romantic. I strongly believe in the concept of soulmates and the power of love and eternal togetherness.
8. I'm like a magnet to embarassing situations. They somehow find their way to me everywhere i go and the fact that i blush a lot makes it ten times worth. cringe...
9. I hate getting my photo clicked, but i love being behind the camera. I actually dream of being a film maker some day.
10. I hate soft-toys, but despite that i have two in my room, just coz they were gifts from a friend. I even learned how to make soft toys in a craft club in primary school.
11. Even though i'm about to graduate with Psychology as my major, my fave subject is bio. Always has been, always will be. I wish i could study it forever.
12. I'm extremely sarcastic. To the point where it borders on meanness. Of course, it's anothert thing that i don't always say the sarcastic stuff i come up with. I write it down instead. That way, it doesn't hurt anyone.
13. I can sometimes be so pessimistic that i feel suicidal. Thankfully, I read in a Psych textbook that it's normal to feel that way sometimes and i'm not sufferring from serious depression or anything. So, relax. :)
14. My favorite movie ever is Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. A little corny i know, but i love it. i've seen it a countless times. I think what i like best is that phenomenal dialog: 'pyar dosti hai'...aww..:)
15. I don't like fruit - ANY fruit at all. I think i have some kind of unexplained aversion to it - can't even stand its smell.
16. I love singing, but only when i'm alone. Someone once told me i sing well but i'm not too sure about that.
17. I can know what a person is like within minutes of meeting them. It's a special kind of intuition, and i almost always turn out to be right.
18. My ultimate dream is to be a famous novelist cum film maker.
19. My ideal life would involve living by the beach and following a daily routine of waking up at 12, spending the day (or what remains of it) reading and writing and listening to some nice music, watching the sun set in the evenings, and then writing some more late into the night. It would also involve eating lots of seafood and long walks along the shore.
20. I don't have a best friend. I instead have many close friends, each of whom are special in a different way.
21. I don't wear any make-up except lipgloss, even on a night out.
22. I have a thing for guys who wear glasses. I think it looks cute, and my dream guy (whose existence i seriosly doubt) would be tall, wear glasses, be intellectually inclined like i am, and love me for the slightly weird, opinionated, average-looking person that i am.
23. My favorite icecream is chocolate chip cookie dough, Mmmm....yum!
24. I have never tasted alcohol and don't intend to. I've only been clubbing twice in my entire life. Not a party person at all.
25. I sometimes have very low self-esteem and self-confidence, but almost nobody knows that about me.
1. I daydream alot - it's almost like i live in an imagined world of my own most of the time, even when i'm interracting with people in the actual world.
2. I'm a true scorpio personality - that means i'm determined, passionate, emotional, really vengeful, jealous and crazily romantic.
3. I think marriage is overrated. What matters is love- not a formal, legal bond that makes someone yours and you someone else's.
4. There is only one person who i think REALLY knows me. I've told them some things about myself that i would never ever tell anyone and yet i've only known them for about 3 years now. And i'm pretty sure that said person hasn't the vaguest idea what they mean to me. I definitely don't mean half as much to them.
5. I love the rain and that musty smell of damp earth
6. I love the colors red and black. I could live on a complete wardrobe of just reds and blacks
7. I'm a hopeless romantic. I strongly believe in the concept of soulmates and the power of love and eternal togetherness.
8. I'm like a magnet to embarassing situations. They somehow find their way to me everywhere i go and the fact that i blush a lot makes it ten times worth. cringe...
9. I hate getting my photo clicked, but i love being behind the camera. I actually dream of being a film maker some day.
10. I hate soft-toys, but despite that i have two in my room, just coz they were gifts from a friend. I even learned how to make soft toys in a craft club in primary school.
11. Even though i'm about to graduate with Psychology as my major, my fave subject is bio. Always has been, always will be. I wish i could study it forever.
12. I'm extremely sarcastic. To the point where it borders on meanness. Of course, it's anothert thing that i don't always say the sarcastic stuff i come up with. I write it down instead. That way, it doesn't hurt anyone.
13. I can sometimes be so pessimistic that i feel suicidal. Thankfully, I read in a Psych textbook that it's normal to feel that way sometimes and i'm not sufferring from serious depression or anything. So, relax. :)
14. My favorite movie ever is Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. A little corny i know, but i love it. i've seen it a countless times. I think what i like best is that phenomenal dialog: 'pyar dosti hai'...aww..:)
15. I don't like fruit - ANY fruit at all. I think i have some kind of unexplained aversion to it - can't even stand its smell.
16. I love singing, but only when i'm alone. Someone once told me i sing well but i'm not too sure about that.
17. I can know what a person is like within minutes of meeting them. It's a special kind of intuition, and i almost always turn out to be right.
18. My ultimate dream is to be a famous novelist cum film maker.
19. My ideal life would involve living by the beach and following a daily routine of waking up at 12, spending the day (or what remains of it) reading and writing and listening to some nice music, watching the sun set in the evenings, and then writing some more late into the night. It would also involve eating lots of seafood and long walks along the shore.
20. I don't have a best friend. I instead have many close friends, each of whom are special in a different way.
21. I don't wear any make-up except lipgloss, even on a night out.
22. I have a thing for guys who wear glasses. I think it looks cute, and my dream guy (whose existence i seriosly doubt) would be tall, wear glasses, be intellectually inclined like i am, and love me for the slightly weird, opinionated, average-looking person that i am.
23. My favorite icecream is chocolate chip cookie dough, Mmmm....yum!
24. I have never tasted alcohol and don't intend to. I've only been clubbing twice in my entire life. Not a party person at all.
25. I sometimes have very low self-esteem and self-confidence, but almost nobody knows that about me.
Updates!
Ok, so it's been an insanely long break from blogging, but i had computer trouble. And if you're like me and can't even tolerate the IDEA of not having computer access, actual problems with your most prized possession can put you in a state where you can't function...can't eat, can't sleep, can't even think straight. It's like you get generalized anxiety disorder - worry about your computer spreads to worry about every other thing imaginable, from minor things like what to wear to super-frightening prospects like 'The Future'. But finally, I, being smart as I am, (:P) fixed the problem - well, with help from God of course who helped me maintain some degree of composure - and removed the NASTY thingy that was making my computer hang and blocking my programs from updating. I couldn't access the microsoft site or ANY antivirus or antispyware/malware sites for days, but then i found an answer on Yahoo Answers and managed to get a program that helped me bust the mean, malicious adware that somehow found its way into my precious precious Dell system! Thank God, all is well now. And i pray it stays that way! :)
So, this post is basically about some random updates of my life. (Though, come to think of it, i don't think anyone really cares whatever these 'updates' may be) But heck, like i say so often, it's MY blog so i can write anything i want! Even a whole page of gaagaagoogoo gooblety gocklee baby babble! Though i would never do that. Seriosly, do you think I'm THAT lame?
Sigh, i shall stop rambling now. Here come the updates, unimpeded by any spyware/malware/adware/hijack whatsoever:
1. I have recently developed the BIGGEST CRUSH on Neil Nitin Mukesh. Seriosly, have you SEEN him in the promos of Aa Dekhein Zara?? Gosh, he's a hunk! And i want to sing to him....'Mohabbat Aapse...' (it's a song from the said movie...watch the video! And you shall fall head over heels in lovee too! (p.s.If you're a guy and not the least bit interested in Neil Nitin Mukesh, Bipasha is sizzling too so you can watch her instead.)
2. I am entering Vogue India's talent contest 2009, even though i think my chances of winning are like nil. But just for the heck of it, coz any writing is supposed to make you write better and the contest demands high-quality, tight writing so in a way it's like a writing practice exercise. (Because, as you may have noticed if you read this blog, i tend to overwrite and ramble on and on quite a bit and i need to learn how to write tight and concise.)
3. I have final exams staring April 6th. It'll be so intolerably hot! :( but on the plus side, having exams in april rather than march as they usually are, means having more time to study, which is very much required!
4. I have come up with a new policy when it comes to buying Indian fiction. From now on, every time i go weak in the brain because of some amazing looking book cover written by a young and upcoming Indian author, I will first read a couple of random pages just to make sure that: (a) it makes sense (b) it is written in good, publishable-kind English and (c) it has flow and grammatical fluency. This is because i've spent several hundred rupees on 3 books which i so wish i had never touched just because they have such impressive covers, namely: One Afternoon, Pink or Black and most recently, that thing called LOVE. I strongly think all the royalities collected by these 3 stupid novels should go to the cover designers. Coz if the cover had been something else which gave the slightest clue what a total waste the books are, not many would choose to spend their precious cash on them. This policy helped me in buying Piece of Cake today, by Swati Kaushal. I've just read one chapter, and i already know that it's going to be a brilliant read. Totally worth it's price!
5. This is the part where i start really THINKING about what else is there worth mentioning about my life. And i draw a blank. Honestly, nada...zilch. Oh btw, if you follow Roadies, how totally awesome was the last episode?! :D Nauman and Sufi are backkkk! I am sooo happpyyyy!! Sandeep and Pradeep are out, yay!! Though, i feel bad for Kiri. Seems like the show really meant a lot to him. Anyway, i can't wait to watch what happens next...a bout between Paulomi and the Queen of Bouts, Palak! - should be pretty interesting. Oh, and Splitsvilla Season 2. Sighh...what a waste of a show. I thought maybe season 2 would be somehow more bearable than season 1 because it seemed less sexist but the first episode was so pathetic. How can you fall in love and play politics at the same time? So not my kind of entertainment! Though, two of the guys are cute. One already 'got dumped' and the other, i forgot his name. But Mohit is just....umm...can't find the right word...superficial, perhaps? What were those chicks thinking when they voted for him?
Ok, that's it. Got to work on that entry for Vogue's talent contest now. Excuse the content, or lack thereof of this post. I didn't have anything specific to write about.
So, this post is basically about some random updates of my life. (Though, come to think of it, i don't think anyone really cares whatever these 'updates' may be) But heck, like i say so often, it's MY blog so i can write anything i want! Even a whole page of gaagaagoogoo gooblety gocklee baby babble! Though i would never do that. Seriosly, do you think I'm THAT lame?
Sigh, i shall stop rambling now. Here come the updates, unimpeded by any spyware/malware/adware/hijack whatsoever:
1. I have recently developed the BIGGEST CRUSH on Neil Nitin Mukesh. Seriosly, have you SEEN him in the promos of Aa Dekhein Zara?? Gosh, he's a hunk! And i want to sing to him....'Mohabbat Aapse...' (it's a song from the said movie...watch the video! And you shall fall head over heels in lovee too! (p.s.If you're a guy and not the least bit interested in Neil Nitin Mukesh, Bipasha is sizzling too so you can watch her instead.)
2. I am entering Vogue India's talent contest 2009, even though i think my chances of winning are like nil. But just for the heck of it, coz any writing is supposed to make you write better and the contest demands high-quality, tight writing so in a way it's like a writing practice exercise. (Because, as you may have noticed if you read this blog, i tend to overwrite and ramble on and on quite a bit and i need to learn how to write tight and concise.)
3. I have final exams staring April 6th. It'll be so intolerably hot! :( but on the plus side, having exams in april rather than march as they usually are, means having more time to study, which is very much required!
4. I have come up with a new policy when it comes to buying Indian fiction. From now on, every time i go weak in the brain because of some amazing looking book cover written by a young and upcoming Indian author, I will first read a couple of random pages just to make sure that: (a) it makes sense (b) it is written in good, publishable-kind English and (c) it has flow and grammatical fluency. This is because i've spent several hundred rupees on 3 books which i so wish i had never touched just because they have such impressive covers, namely: One Afternoon, Pink or Black and most recently, that thing called LOVE. I strongly think all the royalities collected by these 3 stupid novels should go to the cover designers. Coz if the cover had been something else which gave the slightest clue what a total waste the books are, not many would choose to spend their precious cash on them. This policy helped me in buying Piece of Cake today, by Swati Kaushal. I've just read one chapter, and i already know that it's going to be a brilliant read. Totally worth it's price!
5. This is the part where i start really THINKING about what else is there worth mentioning about my life. And i draw a blank. Honestly, nada...zilch. Oh btw, if you follow Roadies, how totally awesome was the last episode?! :D Nauman and Sufi are backkkk! I am sooo happpyyyy!! Sandeep and Pradeep are out, yay!! Though, i feel bad for Kiri. Seems like the show really meant a lot to him. Anyway, i can't wait to watch what happens next...a bout between Paulomi and the Queen of Bouts, Palak! - should be pretty interesting. Oh, and Splitsvilla Season 2. Sighh...what a waste of a show. I thought maybe season 2 would be somehow more bearable than season 1 because it seemed less sexist but the first episode was so pathetic. How can you fall in love and play politics at the same time? So not my kind of entertainment! Though, two of the guys are cute. One already 'got dumped' and the other, i forgot his name. But Mohit is just....umm...can't find the right word...superficial, perhaps? What were those chicks thinking when they voted for him?
Ok, that's it. Got to work on that entry for Vogue's talent contest now. Excuse the content, or lack thereof of this post. I didn't have anything specific to write about.
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