Missing someone can be so overwhelming. I'm not talking about the momentary feeling that comes when something reminds you of them or when you suddenly think of how long it's been since you heard from them. I'm talking about that more intense, totally arresting feeling that just washes over you all of a sudden and you can't concentrate on anything at all because you just so want to talk to/see them AT ONCE. You stop what you're doing and let the feeling overcome you. You see their face in your mind, every detail sharp and clear, right from the light in their eyes to the crook of their smile. You remember the sound of their voice, or their laugh, and how it makes your heart leap. You smile, thinking of them and how happy you feel around them. You wish you could call them right then, but something holds you back. Perhaps it's an inconvenient time, perhaps they are away and out of reach, perhaps it's something else, inexplicable. Your mind wanders back to all the experiences you've had with this person - both good and bad. The memories make you smile. You think of how you had first met them, and how your relationship has evolved since then. You wish you could be with them right then - even if only for a few moments. But it is impossible. You think of how you are probably the last thing they have on their mind right now, while here you are, lost in their thoughts, missing them so despeately. You come back to the present, feeling a familiar pang of sadness that always comes with missing them. If only. . .
Your gaze wanders to your cell phone. You could text them, just a casual message, nothing much. Just to momentarily remind them of you. You smile, imagining them picking up their phone and reading the message. You pick up your own phone, open the contact list, find them and gaze at their name. You smile at it. You read their number, something you know all too well. You smile at it too. Your thumb wanders to the 'call' button. But then you stop. Sigh. Put the phone down. You were supposed to text, not call. You get up. Pace around. Contemplate. Finally, you pick up the phone again. This time, you go to the 'create message' screen. You type. Stop. Erase. Re-type. Read it through. Tweak it. Read again. And again. Smile. You open the contact list. Find their name. Smile at it. Read the number. Smile some more. Your thumb goes to the send button. You stop, thinking. Sigh. Re-read the message. Read their name again. Smile. Press the send button. Watch the screen for a few seconds as the message is sent. You put the phone down again. Sigh. Will they reply? You get up. Pace. Sigh. Sit down. Stare at the phone, as if willing it to beep. You get up again. Pace. Contemplate. The phone beeps. You dive for it. It's someone else's message, who was probably missing you when they were the last thing on your mind. You reply, feeling a slight tinge of disappointment. You put the phone down again. Sit back. Contemplate. Perhaps it's time to get back to your work. You get up. The phone beeps. You stare at it for a moment, before reaching for it. It's THEM! You see their name across the top of the screen. Smile at it. You read the message. Smile. Re-read it. Smile. See their name again. Smile. Put the phone down. Now, you can get back to your work. Smiling. :)
I am honestly so envious of the people who can call someone they miss anytime, anywhere because they know the other person misses them as much. Reciprocal love is a precious thing. Take care of it well if you've been blessed with it. :)
3 things to say
First, New York. No, I'm not about to give the story away so don't worry - you can still read this even if you haven't watched it yet. (which I'd advise you really should!)
My opinion of the movie matches exactly with the review in today's Ahmedabad Mirror - it's no doubt a great story but it doesn't really tell you anything new. And it does get slightly 'filmy' in the second half, disgressing from its whole realistic concept. But nonetheless, its a story about friendship and love, change and fate, and life's heart-wrenching tendency to flip over right when you're least expecting it. The music is good, my favorite track being Tune jo na kaha, mainly because it is about unrequitted love, something I identify with all too well. You can listen to it here. The lyrics are soul-stirring.
I want to say more about the movie but I'm afraid that I'll end up giving away details, so I'll move on to the next thing I have something to say about - the demise of Michael Jackson.
I've never listened to too many MJ songs, but he is the first artist I knew of when I started listening to English tracks. The song I like the best from the few I have heard is the one that goes 'All I want to say is they don't really care about us'. Needless to say, he was one heck of a good musician and dancer. Even if he did get involved in several unfortunate messes, his talent is what he will be remembered for. He will 'live on' through his music, as everyone is saying. That's the beauty of life - the power of being able to 'live on.' Each of us, even if we are not famous, live on through the people we meet, what we say to them, what they think of us. Which is why its so important to do some good in the world while we have a chance, to spread some happiness, even if we occassionally err. Because in the end, it will be the good things people will remember about us. As long as they outweigh the not-so-good things and the mistakes we make. R.I.P Michael Jackson.
Moving on, I'm stumped by how many rape cases are suddenly coming to light all at once.
It's so despicable, so heinous. How did so many men get so perverse? So brutal? Right from teenagers to celebrities, there seem to be rapists of every age-group, every caste, every class. I've never felt more saddened for my gender. It's the 21st century, yet women continue to have to live in fear, to have to suffer silently, to simply 'ENDURE' as Khaled Hosseini says in A Thousand Splendid Suns.
My opinion of the movie matches exactly with the review in today's Ahmedabad Mirror - it's no doubt a great story but it doesn't really tell you anything new. And it does get slightly 'filmy' in the second half, disgressing from its whole realistic concept. But nonetheless, its a story about friendship and love, change and fate, and life's heart-wrenching tendency to flip over right when you're least expecting it. The music is good, my favorite track being Tune jo na kaha, mainly because it is about unrequitted love, something I identify with all too well. You can listen to it here. The lyrics are soul-stirring.
I want to say more about the movie but I'm afraid that I'll end up giving away details, so I'll move on to the next thing I have something to say about - the demise of Michael Jackson.
I've never listened to too many MJ songs, but he is the first artist I knew of when I started listening to English tracks. The song I like the best from the few I have heard is the one that goes 'All I want to say is they don't really care about us'. Needless to say, he was one heck of a good musician and dancer. Even if he did get involved in several unfortunate messes, his talent is what he will be remembered for. He will 'live on' through his music, as everyone is saying. That's the beauty of life - the power of being able to 'live on.' Each of us, even if we are not famous, live on through the people we meet, what we say to them, what they think of us. Which is why its so important to do some good in the world while we have a chance, to spread some happiness, even if we occassionally err. Because in the end, it will be the good things people will remember about us. As long as they outweigh the not-so-good things and the mistakes we make. R.I.P Michael Jackson.
Moving on, I'm stumped by how many rape cases are suddenly coming to light all at once.
It's so despicable, so heinous. How did so many men get so perverse? So brutal? Right from teenagers to celebrities, there seem to be rapists of every age-group, every caste, every class. I've never felt more saddened for my gender. It's the 21st century, yet women continue to have to live in fear, to have to suffer silently, to simply 'ENDURE' as Khaled Hosseini says in A Thousand Splendid Suns.
Change, at last?
Today's Ahmedabad Mirror headline reads that the Minister for Human Resource Development has proposed to make Class X board exams optional. The article brought a smile to my face. I may not have gone to high school here, but I have enough experience of the education system - both personal and second-hand through friends and cousins - to know that it - for lack of a better word - sucks. But yet, there were mixed reactions to the proposal. In my opinion, anyone who knows what education in the true sense means would be all for this welcome change. Board exams in themseleves are not pointless, but board exams conducted by Gujarat Board, which rely ENTIRELY on memorization - sometimes of wrong facts too - are definitely so. The parents and teachers who are against the move strike me as terribly old-fashioned and narrow-minded, thinking that a couple of mere 3-hour 'vomitting-out-all-you-know' sessions are representive of what their kids are capable of achieving. It's despicable. They need to wake up and realise what the stupid (I'm not being childish - it really is stupid) board is doing to their children. i.e stomping out every last bit of creativity and independent thinking to turn them into robots who read-cram-write-score. Over and over again. No questions asked.
As for the students who are against the move, I am left astounded (geez guys, you actually WANT board exams? :s) but I do understand that it reflects how fully they have accepted and learned to work with the current system. I mean, for those who have good memories and have mastered the art (or is it science?) of 'mugging up' and scoring high, a new system would of course be a challenge, almost a threat to their status of rankers/toppers. I don't want to be hypocritical, so I'll agree that yes, I actually am a ranker myself and do cram things to get good marks, but trust me, I would NEVER stand for the current system to continue. I try to get high marks because it matters to me, not because I want to show-off that I'm a topper and a know-it-all. I would much rather have a system of education that would recognize and value my creativity and give me a chance to develop as a whole rather than just fill my head with useless knowledge.
Besides, what a lot of people seemed to have missed in the minister's proposal is that he isn't saying abolish the board exams, he's just making them optional so people who want to continue at the same school don't need to drive themselves insane (literally) over a couple of worthless 'exams'. I use quote marks because they don't qualify as real exams to me.
I don't know whether the Indian, or rather, Gujarat state education system will ever change, considering how every positive move is met with so much negative criticism. Like a while back when the Open-Book-Exam system was proposed, people made a hue and cry without even bothering to UNDERSTAND what it actually is. They thought you could take your text book in and copy off answers from it. Honestly people, open up your minds a bit - the people who propose such changes are not idiots, they would make sure it wasn't a simple matter of copying answers. It would involve REFERRING to the book for facts and APPLYING that knowledge so that, for once, students' understanding would be tested rather than their memorizing capacities.
For the sake of the future of my hometown - and country - I pray that a day will come when our education system will be education in the right sense: innovative and impartial, enjoyable, and facilitating towards broadening students' horizons rather than limiting their potential. A day when students from both English and vernacular mediums will be proud to say that they studied in Gujarat, and excelled in more ways than just academically.
p.s. In other news, I'm beginning to focus more on my writing now with college over and all. I found this really useful site for anyone who likes to write. Check it out!
After a really long time, I'm going to see a movie tomorrow - New York. Even if I end up not liking it, it'll be worth it, coz: Neil Nitin Mukesh + John Abraham = *drooool* ;)
As for the students who are against the move, I am left astounded (geez guys, you actually WANT board exams? :s) but I do understand that it reflects how fully they have accepted and learned to work with the current system. I mean, for those who have good memories and have mastered the art (or is it science?) of 'mugging up' and scoring high, a new system would of course be a challenge, almost a threat to their status of rankers/toppers. I don't want to be hypocritical, so I'll agree that yes, I actually am a ranker myself and do cram things to get good marks, but trust me, I would NEVER stand for the current system to continue. I try to get high marks because it matters to me, not because I want to show-off that I'm a topper and a know-it-all. I would much rather have a system of education that would recognize and value my creativity and give me a chance to develop as a whole rather than just fill my head with useless knowledge.
Besides, what a lot of people seemed to have missed in the minister's proposal is that he isn't saying abolish the board exams, he's just making them optional so people who want to continue at the same school don't need to drive themselves insane (literally) over a couple of worthless 'exams'. I use quote marks because they don't qualify as real exams to me.
I don't know whether the Indian, or rather, Gujarat state education system will ever change, considering how every positive move is met with so much negative criticism. Like a while back when the Open-Book-Exam system was proposed, people made a hue and cry without even bothering to UNDERSTAND what it actually is. They thought you could take your text book in and copy off answers from it. Honestly people, open up your minds a bit - the people who propose such changes are not idiots, they would make sure it wasn't a simple matter of copying answers. It would involve REFERRING to the book for facts and APPLYING that knowledge so that, for once, students' understanding would be tested rather than their memorizing capacities.
For the sake of the future of my hometown - and country - I pray that a day will come when our education system will be education in the right sense: innovative and impartial, enjoyable, and facilitating towards broadening students' horizons rather than limiting their potential. A day when students from both English and vernacular mediums will be proud to say that they studied in Gujarat, and excelled in more ways than just academically.
p.s. In other news, I'm beginning to focus more on my writing now with college over and all. I found this really useful site for anyone who likes to write. Check it out!
After a really long time, I'm going to see a movie tomorrow - New York. Even if I end up not liking it, it'll be worth it, coz: Neil Nitin Mukesh + John Abraham = *drooool* ;)
'It's the best high there is' (Running)
I'm not really an athletic person, but I've never craved a good, long run so much:
I need a wide open space,
where I can run it all away
Run my way to that elation,
only exertion can bring.
I want to run and run,
away from him.
And her.
Away from myself,
and all that i feel.
I want to run and run
till my breath comes in gasps
and my muscles all cramp.
Till I can't think or feel
Anything.
Ezcept the pounding of my heart
and the blood coursing through my veins
and the sweat pouring from my body.
I want to run till I'm flying
with the wind.
Gliding along with her,
unabated.
I want to run till I'm sore
and wholly exhausted.
Till all the pain is dulled
by the ache of my body
I want to run to a high
that will push away the sorrow.
I want to run it all away,
to feel nothing.
Only hollow.
I need a wide open space,
where I can run it all away
Run my way to that elation,
only exertion can bring.
I want to run and run,
away from him.
And her.
Away from myself,
and all that i feel.
I want to run and run
till my breath comes in gasps
and my muscles all cramp.
Till I can't think or feel
Anything.
Ezcept the pounding of my heart
and the blood coursing through my veins
and the sweat pouring from my body.
I want to run till I'm flying
with the wind.
Gliding along with her,
unabated.
I want to run till I'm sore
and wholly exhausted.
Till all the pain is dulled
by the ache of my body
I want to run to a high
that will push away the sorrow.
I want to run it all away,
to feel nothing.
Only hollow.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride
I just watched the most amazing movie! - 27 dresses. Hahaha, it's so totally my type! Right from the main character to the absolutely gorgeous guy she ends up marrying, to the punchy dialogs. Check it out here.
Ok, so it's a 'typical, silly, cheesy romantic comedy' like most people would say, but i LOVE exactly these type of movies and i don't care what anyone thinks about that. (they make a lot more sense than mindless action flicks packed with super-humbug stunts.)
So there's this girl called Jane, who loves weddings and helping people arrange theirs. She's been a bridesmaid 27 times (gasp!) and she keeps each of the fairly ridiculous dresses that she's worn each time. She's got a younger sister, Tess, who's basically everything that she herself is not. (read: laid back, easygoing, flirty, fashion-conscious, and selfish) Jane's been in love with her boss for the longest time, and when she's finally about to confess her feelings, Tess appears and sweeps the guy of his feet. Unknowing of her sister's state of mind - and heart - of course. One thing leads to another and soon Tess has lied her way to an engagement ring. Needless to say, she wants Jane to help out with all the wedding prep. How totally heartbreaking would it be to organise your sister's wedding to the guy you've loved for years? :(
But hey - when you lose something, you get something better. At least in the movies, you do. So enter Kevin aka Malcolm - way cuter than George-the-boss, and as Jane put it: 'cynical, dark, sexy'. And a writer - which totally ups the sex-appeal if you ask me.
So after the usual trail of steadily building conflict and slightly exaggerated resolutions, there's a lovely, 'aww' ending where Jane and Kevin get married. And it's everything she's ever wanted. And more. :)
My favorite line from the film which went straight to my msn personal message: 'Love is patient, love is kind, love means slowly losing your mind.' (-said by Kevin the writer.) I fell in love with the character the moment he said that. Just so cynical - i like! :D
Ok, so it's a 'typical, silly, cheesy romantic comedy' like most people would say, but i LOVE exactly these type of movies and i don't care what anyone thinks about that. (they make a lot more sense than mindless action flicks packed with super-humbug stunts.)
So there's this girl called Jane, who loves weddings and helping people arrange theirs. She's been a bridesmaid 27 times (gasp!) and she keeps each of the fairly ridiculous dresses that she's worn each time. She's got a younger sister, Tess, who's basically everything that she herself is not. (read: laid back, easygoing, flirty, fashion-conscious, and selfish) Jane's been in love with her boss for the longest time, and when she's finally about to confess her feelings, Tess appears and sweeps the guy of his feet. Unknowing of her sister's state of mind - and heart - of course. One thing leads to another and soon Tess has lied her way to an engagement ring. Needless to say, she wants Jane to help out with all the wedding prep. How totally heartbreaking would it be to organise your sister's wedding to the guy you've loved for years? :(
But hey - when you lose something, you get something better. At least in the movies, you do. So enter Kevin aka Malcolm - way cuter than George-the-boss, and as Jane put it: 'cynical, dark, sexy'. And a writer - which totally ups the sex-appeal if you ask me.
So after the usual trail of steadily building conflict and slightly exaggerated resolutions, there's a lovely, 'aww' ending where Jane and Kevin get married. And it's everything she's ever wanted. And more. :)
My favorite line from the film which went straight to my msn personal message: 'Love is patient, love is kind, love means slowly losing your mind.' (-said by Kevin the writer.) I fell in love with the character the moment he said that. Just so cynical - i like! :D
The Harry Potter Fan's Questionnaire
So I was wasting time on Facebook again and came across this in someone's profile. Thought I'd give it a shot, so here goes:
P.S. If you're not a HP fan (shame on you!) then this won't make much sense.
Favourite Book: ...and the Goblet of Fire
Favorite chapter from your favorite book: The Yule Ball! Ron got what he deserved from Hermione! lol
5 Favorite Characters: Harry, Luna, Fred and George, and Sirius (oh and Cedric, but that's because he looks good!)
3 Least Favorite Characters: Umbridge, Mundungus and Draco Malfoy
Favorite magical creature: House-elves!
Favorite family: The Weasleys, obviously.
Favorite villain: Snape, because he turns out to be a kind of hero in the end.
Favorite death Eater: None. Who has a FAVORITE death eater? :s
Favorite Diagon Alley location: Weasley's Wizard Wheezes
Favorite Spell: Accio. It would be kinda cool to have things coming to you instead of having to get them.
Favorite Unforgivable Curse: Imperius
Favorite Weasley: Apart from Fred and George, Ron of course!
Favorite Order member: Sirius
Favorite pet: An owl! Cool alternative to email, y'know!
One character you'd bring back to life: Sirius most definitely. And Fred too
Favorite Harry moment: When he rushes forwards and kisses Ginny in the 6th book. That was both hillarious and shocking and totally 'aww'. :)
Favorite Ron moment: When he asks Fleur to the ball in Goblet of Fire
Favorite Hermione moment: When she surprises everyone with a bit of a makeover at the Yule Ball
Favorite class: I like the idea of Potions, though I'd hate it with Snape teaching
Favorite teacher: Lupin
Favorite DADA teacher: Same as above!
Least favorite teacher: it's a tie between Umbridge and Lockhart
Favorite Hogsmeade location: The three broomsticks
How long have you been a HP fan: Well, I started reading them a little after everyone else (and then I was hooked) in the 9th grade. So, I was around fourteen or fifteen.
Character you're most like: A mixture of Hermione and Luna
House you think you'd be sorted into: Ravenclaw
Your patronus would be a: A bird of some kind, maybe a swan. (Just a random intuition)
P.S. If you're not a HP fan (shame on you!) then this won't make much sense.
Favourite Book: ...and the Goblet of Fire
Favorite chapter from your favorite book: The Yule Ball! Ron got what he deserved from Hermione! lol
5 Favorite Characters: Harry, Luna, Fred and George, and Sirius (oh and Cedric, but that's because he looks good!)
3 Least Favorite Characters: Umbridge, Mundungus and Draco Malfoy
Favorite magical creature: House-elves!
Favorite family: The Weasleys, obviously.
Favorite villain: Snape, because he turns out to be a kind of hero in the end.
Favorite death Eater: None. Who has a FAVORITE death eater? :s
Favorite Diagon Alley location: Weasley's Wizard Wheezes
Favorite Spell: Accio. It would be kinda cool to have things coming to you instead of having to get them.
Favorite Unforgivable Curse: Imperius
Favorite Weasley: Apart from Fred and George, Ron of course!
Favorite Order member: Sirius
Favorite pet: An owl! Cool alternative to email, y'know!
One character you'd bring back to life: Sirius most definitely. And Fred too
Favorite Harry moment: When he rushes forwards and kisses Ginny in the 6th book. That was both hillarious and shocking and totally 'aww'. :)
Favorite Ron moment: When he asks Fleur to the ball in Goblet of Fire
Favorite Hermione moment: When she surprises everyone with a bit of a makeover at the Yule Ball
Favorite class: I like the idea of Potions, though I'd hate it with Snape teaching
Favorite teacher: Lupin
Favorite DADA teacher: Same as above!
Least favorite teacher: it's a tie between Umbridge and Lockhart
Favorite Hogsmeade location: The three broomsticks
How long have you been a HP fan: Well, I started reading them a little after everyone else (and then I was hooked) in the 9th grade. So, I was around fourteen or fifteen.
Character you're most like: A mixture of Hermione and Luna
House you think you'd be sorted into: Ravenclaw
Your patronus would be a: A bird of some kind, maybe a swan. (Just a random intuition)
Bye-Bye, F.U....oops, that's a typo...i mean G.U.
I'm not sure whether the undertones in that title are clear. :P
G.U, btw is short for the great institute of learning that has imparted an immense wealth of knowledge to me over the past three years, which I've spent working towards a Bachelor of Arts degree, with Psychology as my major. Oh wait, it's not really an 'immense wealth' seeing that the course material is several years outdated compared to international standards. And it wasn't GU 'imparting' the knowledge; it was my three highly-qualified professors at the best Arts college in the state. GU, sadly, is incapale of imparting knowledge. What it actually does is prescribe word-to-word 'definitions' of terms to cram into your memory and 'vomit' out on your exam answer sheets to score marks. Who cares if you don't understand a thing about what the definition is trying to explain?
GU also rewards neat handwriting and answer-sheet-'decoration'-skills. i.e. if you can write really neatly and are good at EMPHASIZING certain relevant terms, then you're sure to excel. Even if you write a short-story instead of a relevant answer. All you have to do is sprinkle it with enough technical words and names of famous psychologists (or prominent people in whatever subject you're dealing with) who said some important stuff, though only God knows what exactly the stuff was.
However, if you write too fast (read: untidily) because you know EXACTLY what points will make a perfect answer, or your writing is small and doesn't require any supplementary sheets, or you have certain logical arguments against old, dying theories then you are sure to fail. Because untidy writing - even if it is perfectly legible and answers the question bang-on, does not 'IMPRESH' the gaathia-chewing, song-humming, gossip-exchanging Gujarati professors who will flit through your ENGLISH-MEDIUM paper in less than five minutes and decide on your future (i.e result) without blinking an eye, based on how neat it is, how many random 'important words' they catch sight of and how many supplementaries you have filled. (Quantity=Knowledge=Marks of course!) Who has the time to judge on QUALITY? That's why, ironic as it is, students who can't string together a sentence in English without stammering get more marks in the English compulsory paper than a student who knows the language better than his/her own mother tongue; than a student who writes articles for national magazines. Sorry, I don't mean to pick on people who can't speak English well. I'm only trying to point out the bitter injustice of Gujarat University's pathetic SYSTEM. Does it even deserve 'university' status?! It's totally killed my enthusiasm for academics over the past three years. So much that I rather not pursue a Master's degree than pursue it at GU. I can't stand another 2 years of studying hard only to not get the marks I deserve.
Anyways, at least the nightmare is over. I've graduated - with a decent 74%. I was expecting slightly more, but, oh well, I'll be content with what i got! :)
But honestly, G.U should be F.U instead. If only the state was called something beginning with an 'F'. *cheeky smile*
G.U, btw is short for the great institute of learning that has imparted an immense wealth of knowledge to me over the past three years, which I've spent working towards a Bachelor of Arts degree, with Psychology as my major. Oh wait, it's not really an 'immense wealth' seeing that the course material is several years outdated compared to international standards. And it wasn't GU 'imparting' the knowledge; it was my three highly-qualified professors at the best Arts college in the state. GU, sadly, is incapale of imparting knowledge. What it actually does is prescribe word-to-word 'definitions' of terms to cram into your memory and 'vomit' out on your exam answer sheets to score marks. Who cares if you don't understand a thing about what the definition is trying to explain?
GU also rewards neat handwriting and answer-sheet-'decoration'-skills. i.e. if you can write really neatly and are good at EMPHASIZING certain relevant terms, then you're sure to excel. Even if you write a short-story instead of a relevant answer. All you have to do is sprinkle it with enough technical words and names of famous psychologists (or prominent people in whatever subject you're dealing with) who said some important stuff, though only God knows what exactly the stuff was.
However, if you write too fast (read: untidily) because you know EXACTLY what points will make a perfect answer, or your writing is small and doesn't require any supplementary sheets, or you have certain logical arguments against old, dying theories then you are sure to fail. Because untidy writing - even if it is perfectly legible and answers the question bang-on, does not 'IMPRESH' the gaathia-chewing, song-humming, gossip-exchanging Gujarati professors who will flit through your ENGLISH-MEDIUM paper in less than five minutes and decide on your future (i.e result) without blinking an eye, based on how neat it is, how many random 'important words' they catch sight of and how many supplementaries you have filled. (Quantity=Knowledge=Marks of course!) Who has the time to judge on QUALITY? That's why, ironic as it is, students who can't string together a sentence in English without stammering get more marks in the English compulsory paper than a student who knows the language better than his/her own mother tongue; than a student who writes articles for national magazines. Sorry, I don't mean to pick on people who can't speak English well. I'm only trying to point out the bitter injustice of Gujarat University's pathetic SYSTEM. Does it even deserve 'university' status?! It's totally killed my enthusiasm for academics over the past three years. So much that I rather not pursue a Master's degree than pursue it at GU. I can't stand another 2 years of studying hard only to not get the marks I deserve.
Anyways, at least the nightmare is over. I've graduated - with a decent 74%. I was expecting slightly more, but, oh well, I'll be content with what i got! :)
But honestly, G.U should be F.U instead. If only the state was called something beginning with an 'F'. *cheeky smile*
Death...and Life
Note: The following post may contain ideas that may disturb some people. If you are not comfortable reading about death, please do not continue.
Yesterday, when I read about the Air France plane that has ‘disappeared’, I felt sad and anxious, both for the people aboard it as well as their friends and relatives. Tragic as the news is, I couldn’t help but puzzle over it a little. How could something so huge – an aircraft – just disappear? There has to be some sign, some explanation, of what could have become of it, even if it crashed and sank into the Atlantic. Where would the hundreds of bodies vanish?
I associated the news at once with the Bermuda Triangle even though the papers did not mention anything about that till today. Today, there is a report about several ships and aircraft that have vanished within the Bermuda Triangle, and I couldn’t help but feel a creepy sense of dread as I read it. Death in itself is scary. How much more horrifying would it be to feel it coming for you while you sit in a plane or a ship, knowing that your loved ones may never see your body. That it could fall into the murky depths of a dark ocean, to be maimed and mutilated by the jagged edges of towering underwater mountains or attacked by some awesome but deadly marine creature, and, in either case, be lost for eternity.
I am an emotional person, and the thought of death disturbs me. When I read or hear something related to it, I see terrible images in my mind about people I love dying, even of myself dying. This only began to happen after I witnessed my maternal grandma pass away right before my eyes, over three years ago. It was the first time I saw death up-close, and it terrified me. But it also made me accept its inevitability, suddenness and finality. More importantly, it made me realize life’s fragility. When I see other people’s death in my mind, it jolts me into realizing how much they mean to me. When I see my own death, it reawakens me to the fact that I will not be around forever. Both make me realize the importance of doing things now and showing others how much I love them. Showing not telling. Telling is easy, but showing holds more meaning.
I know there are many people in the world who face death every single day, who live life knowing that the end can come anytime. I’m talking about those who live in warzones, like Israel and Palestine, Afghanistan, and, more recently, Pakistan. I’m talking about those who live in famine and harsh weather, like parts of Africa and Asia and the Americas. I’m talking about people who risk their lives as part of their jobs, like soldiers and firefighters and commandos and pilots. I don’t know how I would manage to live if I had to constantly worry about a bomb falling on my house, or about being ‘caught’ by the Taliban for venturing out with my head uncovered, or about being stoned to death for talking to boys, or about where my next meal would come from. Thinking of the millions of people who live under a constant, silent, death threat makes me feel grateful for the life I have. A life of love and joy, of security and contentment, of health and hope, and –most importantly – of blissful, unabated freedom.
In the melodious words of Celine Dion: ‘I couldn’t get much higher. My spirit takes flight, ‘cause I’m alive…’
…And being alive entails that death is the greatest reality I have to face.
R.I.P passengers and crew of Flight AF 447.
Yesterday, when I read about the Air France plane that has ‘disappeared’, I felt sad and anxious, both for the people aboard it as well as their friends and relatives. Tragic as the news is, I couldn’t help but puzzle over it a little. How could something so huge – an aircraft – just disappear? There has to be some sign, some explanation, of what could have become of it, even if it crashed and sank into the Atlantic. Where would the hundreds of bodies vanish?
I associated the news at once with the Bermuda Triangle even though the papers did not mention anything about that till today. Today, there is a report about several ships and aircraft that have vanished within the Bermuda Triangle, and I couldn’t help but feel a creepy sense of dread as I read it. Death in itself is scary. How much more horrifying would it be to feel it coming for you while you sit in a plane or a ship, knowing that your loved ones may never see your body. That it could fall into the murky depths of a dark ocean, to be maimed and mutilated by the jagged edges of towering underwater mountains or attacked by some awesome but deadly marine creature, and, in either case, be lost for eternity.
I am an emotional person, and the thought of death disturbs me. When I read or hear something related to it, I see terrible images in my mind about people I love dying, even of myself dying. This only began to happen after I witnessed my maternal grandma pass away right before my eyes, over three years ago. It was the first time I saw death up-close, and it terrified me. But it also made me accept its inevitability, suddenness and finality. More importantly, it made me realize life’s fragility. When I see other people’s death in my mind, it jolts me into realizing how much they mean to me. When I see my own death, it reawakens me to the fact that I will not be around forever. Both make me realize the importance of doing things now and showing others how much I love them. Showing not telling. Telling is easy, but showing holds more meaning.
I know there are many people in the world who face death every single day, who live life knowing that the end can come anytime. I’m talking about those who live in warzones, like Israel and Palestine, Afghanistan, and, more recently, Pakistan. I’m talking about those who live in famine and harsh weather, like parts of Africa and Asia and the Americas. I’m talking about people who risk their lives as part of their jobs, like soldiers and firefighters and commandos and pilots. I don’t know how I would manage to live if I had to constantly worry about a bomb falling on my house, or about being ‘caught’ by the Taliban for venturing out with my head uncovered, or about being stoned to death for talking to boys, or about where my next meal would come from. Thinking of the millions of people who live under a constant, silent, death threat makes me feel grateful for the life I have. A life of love and joy, of security and contentment, of health and hope, and –most importantly – of blissful, unabated freedom.
In the melodious words of Celine Dion: ‘I couldn’t get much higher. My spirit takes flight, ‘cause I’m alive…’
…And being alive entails that death is the greatest reality I have to face.
R.I.P passengers and crew of Flight AF 447.
Once Upon an Island
A few months back, my grandfather gifted me two beautiful books. I say beautiful because that is what they are, even before you open them. They are hard-bound, with a delicately patterned exterior, which has been covered in plastic wrap for protection against dust. They each hold a collection of short novels and have been complied by Reader's Digest. They are ancient. Nana has had them for many years and gave them to me because he knows of my love for reading. He also knows that I will care for them in just the same way that he has. Not a single page in either of the books is folded, torn or damaged in any way at all. They look like they were bought yesterday, except for the light brown color of the pages. Like all old books, they smell lovely too. I was saving them up to read after my exams got over so I could enjoy them at complete leisure. And enjoying I am. I'm a short way through the first story in one of the books. The story is 'Once Upon an Island' by David Conover. It is the true story of how Mr. Conover and his wife gave up everythign they had, even got into debt, for the sake of pursuing their dream of living on their own island. It is a story that intrigues me. I am sure almost every person in the world fantasizes about living alone on an island at some time or another. I know I definitely do. The book got me thinking about what I do if ever this fantasy came true. And I thought I would write about everything that comes to mind:
First, food would of course be a problem. Before setting off to my island I would read up on how to find edible plants and perhaps how to fish. I would take along a few packets of my favorite junk food, even if that would spoil the charm of being close to nature.
I would also take along long, flowing dresses in every color. I would like to wear them on my island. Each day, I would pick flowers to match my dress and wear them in my hair.
I would make myself a bed of grass and leaves, and sleep under the starry sky, hearing the waves crash against the shore.
I would drink from a fresh stream that I would 'find' on the Island, much like Enid Blyton's Famous Five did.
I would spend my morning walking along the shore, singing to myself. In the afternoon, I would nap, or sit under a coconut tree and think up stories. In the evening I would watch the sun set and feel peaceful and content.
I would clean my skin and hair with the sand, which is supposed to be good for them, and wash with the salty sea-water, which I suppose would not be so good.
I would enjoy living like this for a few days. Perhaps even a few weeks. But then, I would tire. I would miss the people I love, and those who love me. I would miss the ringing of the same telephone that irritates me so much at times. I would long for music, and crave hot, spicy, delicious Indian food. I would want a house and a mall and a cinema hall. I would definitely not survive long, isolated on an island.
First, food would of course be a problem. Before setting off to my island I would read up on how to find edible plants and perhaps how to fish. I would take along a few packets of my favorite junk food, even if that would spoil the charm of being close to nature.
I would also take along long, flowing dresses in every color. I would like to wear them on my island. Each day, I would pick flowers to match my dress and wear them in my hair.
I would make myself a bed of grass and leaves, and sleep under the starry sky, hearing the waves crash against the shore.
I would drink from a fresh stream that I would 'find' on the Island, much like Enid Blyton's Famous Five did.
I would spend my morning walking along the shore, singing to myself. In the afternoon, I would nap, or sit under a coconut tree and think up stories. In the evening I would watch the sun set and feel peaceful and content.
I would clean my skin and hair with the sand, which is supposed to be good for them, and wash with the salty sea-water, which I suppose would not be so good.
I would enjoy living like this for a few days. Perhaps even a few weeks. But then, I would tire. I would miss the people I love, and those who love me. I would miss the ringing of the same telephone that irritates me so much at times. I would long for music, and crave hot, spicy, delicious Indian food. I would want a house and a mall and a cinema hall. I would definitely not survive long, isolated on an island.
Disorders Disorganised
These days, my thoughts are are all mixed up. I find it difficult to concentrate on one thing for too long, which is why I wrote this slightly disjointed 'poem'. It has no structure as such, and not much flow. But it is just a stringing together of thoughts. It is based on different psychological disorders.
You turned out to be an illusion
Happiness is but a delusion
Life, a hallucination.
I am obsessive-compulsive,
the way I always long for you,
even if it is only to see,
your name as 'signed in' on chat
I suffer from generalized anxiety,
the way I'm always tense
about what you think,
how I can please you,
why you ignore me, etc.
I am paranoid when you go silent,
I feel it is because of me
I must have done something
to upset/annoy you.
I am panic-stricken,
when you are mad at me,
even when i know it's not my fault
but to me, you're a demi-god,
you can do no wrong.
I am definitely schizophrenic,
the way I act around you.
I am not like that,
with anyone else...then why you?
I have a serious phobia
about losing you.
It is a thought I can't tolerate
It makes me lose control
If I'm so many disorders,
where is the room for normalcy?
You've turned me into this strange mixture
Yet, I don't blame you.
In fact, I almost enjoy it.
You turned out to be an illusion
Happiness is but a delusion
Life, a hallucination.
I am obsessive-compulsive,
the way I always long for you,
even if it is only to see,
your name as 'signed in' on chat
I suffer from generalized anxiety,
the way I'm always tense
about what you think,
how I can please you,
why you ignore me, etc.
I am paranoid when you go silent,
I feel it is because of me
I must have done something
to upset/annoy you.
I am panic-stricken,
when you are mad at me,
even when i know it's not my fault
but to me, you're a demi-god,
you can do no wrong.
I am definitely schizophrenic,
the way I act around you.
I am not like that,
with anyone else...then why you?
I have a serious phobia
about losing you.
It is a thought I can't tolerate
It makes me lose control
If I'm so many disorders,
where is the room for normalcy?
You've turned me into this strange mixture
Yet, I don't blame you.
In fact, I almost enjoy it.
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