These days I don’t type scribbles as often as I used to. Not because I don’t have time, but because work usually leaves me too drained to put my thoughts into coherently flowing sentences. After six hours (sometime more) of organizing other people’s mixed up thoughts and confusing words into meaningful, concise paragraphs, all I feel capable of doing (apart from dozing off) is relaxing in front of the television or listening to some nice music.
But not writing means that there is an overwhelming buildup of stuff I want (need?) to say. I’ve been meaning to post this for ages but only found some time today to come and type out the jumble of ideas that have been clouding my mind for so long. Not surprisingly, this will be a long post. Hopefully, you’ll be nice enough to stick around till the end! (And leave comments if you’re really nice!)
First up, a long overdue impromptu review of the latest Madhur Bhandarkar flick: Jail. It’s not managed to impress ‘the critics’ much, from what I read and hear, but heck, that’s what critics are for: to criticize. According to me, yes Mr. Bhandarkar’s films do seem to be becoming a tab bit predictable and ‘typical’, but that’s no reason to not appreciate each one in its own right. Needless to say, just like Page 3 and Fashion (the only other M.B films I’ve seen), Jail too is a very ‘real’ film which you wouldn’t want to go see if say, you were looking for a nice entertaining flick to forget your woes and refresh your mind. It’s more a film you’d want to watch for its raw intensity and thought-provoking story. If you’re in the mood to ponder over life’s ironies and complications and/or philosophize about right and wrong then it’s definitely a good bet.
It’s the kind of flick that makes you sit up and take notice of the gravity of the problems that we all know plague our society yet we can’t really do anything about. When you look at the ghastly life that exists behind bars (and it’s not just in India – it’s the same or worse the world over) you automatically feel tremendously grateful for being free, regardless of the quantity or severity of the problems you may be facing. You realize how absolutely for granted you take simple things like warm showers, a clean bed, nutritious food, privacy, fresh air, etc. and also what a blessing it is to be in constant touch with the people you love. It’s like you suddenly wake up and recognize what a wonderful opportunity life really is. An opportunity to do the things you love, to make the most of every single day. The feeling, however, is short-lived. It wears off pretty quickly, all the gratefulness and contentment, and you go back to doing what every human being does best: complain.
Anyhoo, Jail’s still a great watch. Especially for Neil Nitin Mukesh fan girls like me!! Honestly, I don’t think there can be a sexier prisoner alive, all rugged and unshaven and so damn intense, yet with an irresistible vulnerability that just makes you want to throw your arms around him and soothingly whisper: ‘Don’t worry, baby, it’s gonna be okay…’ Right, err, I shall stop here. :P
Moving on to what this post was originally supposed to be about: Faith. I’ve been mulling about faith quite a bit the past couple of weeks. I was supposed to write the post a long time back but, like I said, couldn’t seem to find the energy. But I guess the timing’s perfect now given that I'm going through a test of faith right now itself.
Faith – that unwavering, unfaltering belief in the unknown, the unseen, the unheard. I'm basically referring to that almighty higher power most of us call 'God'. And all the things associated with Him, like truth and love and goodness.
There are so many concepts and ideologies we believe in, From kismet and karma to moral notions and sayings like ‘truth always triumphs’, ‘love conquers all’, ‘what goes around comes around’, ‘two wrongs don’t make a right,’, etc.
What makes us believe in all these varied, complex things, if at all we do (the majority of us DO I guess)? What feeds our faith to make it survive against all odds?
Faith that things will be all right, eventually. Faith that justice will be served, eventually. Faith that those who have wronged us will be put right, eventually. Faith that our efforts will be properly rewarded, eventually. Faith that everything – good or bad – happens for a reason, which we will come to realize, eventually. Faith that our faith will prove itself. Eventually. Every belief seems to cling for life to this word – eventually – sooner or later. It requires great might of will, I think, to keep the faith going strong when we have no guarantees about our beliefs ever proving true. Or perhaps, it doesn’t. Perhaps we don’t really have a choice but to believe, because not doing so just fills us with pessimism and frustration and a whole lot of negative energy.
Or is it that we aren’t that naïve and helpless? Perhaps our faith is maintained by past experiences which have taught us that life really does have its own sweet compensations and that real faith does bear fruit (eventually).
Or perhaps it has nothing to do with all that. Perhaps some of us just believe because we have been taught to ever since we can remember. Most of us, I suppose, are introduced to the concept of ‘God’ even before we can make any sense of it. And the belief is constantly hammered into us until we internalize it and don’t remember ever not believing. They become a part of who we are – our beliefs – intricately woven into the complex mosaic of our personalities.
A lot of us perhaps never question these beliefs that are passed onto us from our parents/guardians. An equal amount perhaps do question it but silently, lest they hurt other people’s sentiments and arouse outrage and hostility by questioning what has been trickling down for generation after generation. Less of us perhaps question it so much that we end up completely declining the existence of a higher power and instead adopt a practical, scientific bent of mind in which everything is logically explained, quantified and classified. The rest of us just come up with our own belief system – retaining some of the notions that we have been taught and imbibing other ideas that we discover on our own. That’s the group I fall into. We are not staunchly religious but we do believe in a higher power and seek spirituality in our own individual ways.
That’s why I love reading the ‘God in Gucci’ column in the Times Life supplement every Sunday. It features people like me, who have their own unique faith system and are content with it.
Of course, there are always moments of uncertainty and doubt. Moments when we feel utterly and wholly let down because things just go from bad to worse to unbearable and we sink into the depths of despair. Moments when we seem to have absolutely no hope left and feel stupid about having had such strong faith that things would work out fine. Moments when we just can’t take the pain anymore and want to do something drastic, like harm ourselves or end lives, ours or someone else’s.
Yet despite these down times, the majority of us find the strength to pull through and even gain more emotional sustenance in the process. We grow into individuals capable of enduring more pain and fighting harder and even putting ourselves out there more often which just enhances our experience of life, both good and bad. Perhaps this is what proves that our beliefs in a higher power are not all hocus pocus – perhaps the higher power shows itself through giving us undying courage and strength of will to accept the hurt and get over it and move on. We get wounded, sure, even scarred for life, yet we emerge at the other end with a renewed light in our eyes and new hope in our hearts that everything is always for the better, our own and others’.
Maybe this is what life is all about – fluctuations. There are plenty of smooth paths, but also sufficient rough patches and sharp bends and dips and turns and hills and potholes and even the occasional quicksand to keep us constantly alert and on the lookout. And how and when we make it to that ultimate fall off the cliff to the finality and serenity of death depends entirely on what we believe, how much we believe, why we believe.
So, what do I personally believe in? Well, firstly, in love. And in goodness and destiny and karma. I believe that each of us only gets what we truly (sometimes unknowingly) want, even if it doesn’t seem like that at first. I don’t believe that we need to DO anything much to achieve this, except have faith.
I recently read somewhere that the more faith we have, the less religion we need to flaunt. I couldn’t agree more. I've noticed that is's usually those who put on a great big show of following religious norms and rituals who are the first to doubt God when it really comes down it. I mean, what is the point of bowing your head in prayer every day when you are never truly grateful for the little joys that God has blessed you with, and when the slightest obstacles have you fretting and fuming and cursing your bad fortune. What happens to all the belief in God then?
I also don’t think God would ‘command’ us to perform any rituals or sacrifices to prove our loyalty to him. I think what matters is the stuff you hold in your heart. As long as there is truth and purity there, no overt show of devotion is required.
That last opinion I just wrote is sure to offend some people or hurt certain religious sentiments, but I have no intention of doing that. I’m scribbling it because that’s what I believe. And will continue to believe.
I have faith, in a lot of things. It may be blind faith, it may be slightly farfetched but it's true faith. The kind that gives strength.
What's done....is done.
Well, I've been thinking a lot lately, (what's new, right?) and I've realised that some relations come with a bit of an expiry date. And once that date is reached, there is nothing - absolutely NOTHING - we can do to keep them lasting, no matter how desperately we want to.
I guess something of this sort is exactly what has happened to the friendship that went sour a couple of days ago and has quite destabilized my world.
I admit that whatever happened, came about largely because of ME. I made a lot of mistakes and then repeated them over and over again. But I still don't think that they were/are unforgivable mistakes. They were not so bad that someone whom I consider/considered really close to me should use them as an excuse to say hurtful things to me and leave so as to get some 'peace of mind'.
I guess the very foundations of our friendship were laid out all wrong and unsteady. Right from the start, for reasons that I suppose are obvious but I don't wish to state here, he meant a lot more to me than I will ever mean to him. He was the first person EVER that I got really and truly ATTACHED to. I always knew it wasn't a good thing, getting too close to people and sharing too much of yourself with them, but somehow in his case, I completely failed to restrict myself and let all inhibitions disappear. I have never felt so...ME, with anyone, if you know what I mean. It felt great, honestly, really, really great, but now, it feels indescribable. It feels excruciating and infuriating and wrenching all at once.
The one question that constantly clouds my mind is WHY?. Why did I have to put myself in this situation in the first place? Why didn't I just listen to my sharp mind and ignore my stupid heart? Why did I care so much for a person who now tells me I never meant much to him? Who repeatedly says that he has other closer friends and I didn't matter at all ever. Who is completely and unabashedly disregarding three years of what I thought was a wonderful bond. Who did not budge even when I showed a side of me that I didn't know existed by literally crying - uncontrollably - on the phone with him. Who didn't even forgive me when I asked for it as a birthday present. Who KNOWS how special this friendship is for me but finds it 'weird' because it was never that way for him. Who came down to telling me that if he ever returns it will be out of sympathy for me. Sympathy. Yes, that was the word he used. Anyone else have friends doling out sympathy rather than empathy? Or am I the odd one out in this case too? He may 'sympathise' with me considering some of the things about my life I have shared with him and only him. Why did I confide in him, why? That's just one more question that disturbs me. And yet, ironically, HE is the one struggling for some peace of mind, even without any of these questions bothering him. Without anything at all bothering him. In fact, I'd be surprised if he so much as looked up if someone told him I'd jumped off a cliff or something. (Not that I'm going to. I'm not THAT crazy, you know.)
So I guess all the imbalanced feelings and emotions and expectations finally gave way and caused the wobbly tower of our relation to come crashing down and sink into the ground. I got stuck in the rubble, he pulled out a hidden parachute well in time and flew away to safety and serenity and other friends and nothing but a lingering, amusing memory of me, the psycho who just wanted too much and stretched his patience beyond limits. But you know what? I may be trapped in the ruins, but emergency forces arrived almost immediately. Friends, both old and recent, were quick to provide wonderful words of support and wisdom and love and care. And the Almighty sent along some other random things and people to keep me from sinking deep, deep down. Which is why I feel calm and composed. A bit short of breath, sure, but still, I know it's going to be okay. I'm convinced this is all just for the best. If the friend I valued so much did not value me back, it's all right. I'm sure a day will come when he'll see that I'm not that worthless after all. That the fallen tower can be rebuilt, more carefully. I just hope that when that day comes, it's not too late. And for the time being, I need to find my way out of the ruins and reclaim the life I used to have without him. One step at a time.
I guess something of this sort is exactly what has happened to the friendship that went sour a couple of days ago and has quite destabilized my world.
I admit that whatever happened, came about largely because of ME. I made a lot of mistakes and then repeated them over and over again. But I still don't think that they were/are unforgivable mistakes. They were not so bad that someone whom I consider/considered really close to me should use them as an excuse to say hurtful things to me and leave so as to get some 'peace of mind'.
I guess the very foundations of our friendship were laid out all wrong and unsteady. Right from the start, for reasons that I suppose are obvious but I don't wish to state here, he meant a lot more to me than I will ever mean to him. He was the first person EVER that I got really and truly ATTACHED to. I always knew it wasn't a good thing, getting too close to people and sharing too much of yourself with them, but somehow in his case, I completely failed to restrict myself and let all inhibitions disappear. I have never felt so...ME, with anyone, if you know what I mean. It felt great, honestly, really, really great, but now, it feels indescribable. It feels excruciating and infuriating and wrenching all at once.
The one question that constantly clouds my mind is WHY?. Why did I have to put myself in this situation in the first place? Why didn't I just listen to my sharp mind and ignore my stupid heart? Why did I care so much for a person who now tells me I never meant much to him? Who repeatedly says that he has other closer friends and I didn't matter at all ever. Who is completely and unabashedly disregarding three years of what I thought was a wonderful bond. Who did not budge even when I showed a side of me that I didn't know existed by literally crying - uncontrollably - on the phone with him. Who didn't even forgive me when I asked for it as a birthday present. Who KNOWS how special this friendship is for me but finds it 'weird' because it was never that way for him. Who came down to telling me that if he ever returns it will be out of sympathy for me. Sympathy. Yes, that was the word he used. Anyone else have friends doling out sympathy rather than empathy? Or am I the odd one out in this case too? He may 'sympathise' with me considering some of the things about my life I have shared with him and only him. Why did I confide in him, why? That's just one more question that disturbs me. And yet, ironically, HE is the one struggling for some peace of mind, even without any of these questions bothering him. Without anything at all bothering him. In fact, I'd be surprised if he so much as looked up if someone told him I'd jumped off a cliff or something. (Not that I'm going to. I'm not THAT crazy, you know.)
So I guess all the imbalanced feelings and emotions and expectations finally gave way and caused the wobbly tower of our relation to come crashing down and sink into the ground. I got stuck in the rubble, he pulled out a hidden parachute well in time and flew away to safety and serenity and other friends and nothing but a lingering, amusing memory of me, the psycho who just wanted too much and stretched his patience beyond limits. But you know what? I may be trapped in the ruins, but emergency forces arrived almost immediately. Friends, both old and recent, were quick to provide wonderful words of support and wisdom and love and care. And the Almighty sent along some other random things and people to keep me from sinking deep, deep down. Which is why I feel calm and composed. A bit short of breath, sure, but still, I know it's going to be okay. I'm convinced this is all just for the best. If the friend I valued so much did not value me back, it's all right. I'm sure a day will come when he'll see that I'm not that worthless after all. That the fallen tower can be rebuilt, more carefully. I just hope that when that day comes, it's not too late. And for the time being, I need to find my way out of the ruins and reclaim the life I used to have without him. One step at a time.
22
Twenty two. It sounds like quite a hell lot of years. Fortunately, I do have something substantial to show for them. They translate to over two decades of growing and learning and striving to be better.
I have evolved; from a problem child to an ideal child, from a loner to a pleasant person with plenty of friends, from a timid, silent girl to a (somewhat) confident self-assured young woman; from a student who hated school from the very first day to a high-achiever who made it to the top 50 in her university graduating class; from a child who just would not learn how to wield her pencil properly round the letters of the alphabet to a writer whose pen flies so fast across the page that sometimes she can't make out her own handwriting. I sure have come a long way, experiencing the past twenty two years of this quizzical thing called life.
There has been so much happiness, and countless 'good times'. And there has been a fair amount of sadness and tragedy. I've known hundreds of people, been acquainted with even more. I have cherished people. I have lost a lot of them too - to death, and sometimes to life (life, as is typical of it, brought changes and separated us). I have been both good and bad; strong and weak; nice and mean. I have loved and I have hated. I have had my heart broken. I have somehow had it put back together too. I have had it broken again. I have erred and have stood corrected. I have been wronged and I have forgiven and forgotten. I have hurt and gotten over it. I have been scarred. I have lived.
So, how am I celebrating this 22nd landmark in my journey?
Well, compared to previous birthdays, this one is turning out to be a tad too much of a 'grown-upsy' one. To start with, today is a working day and EVERYONE (beginning with me) is just SO BUSY that I decided to celebrate yesterday. I met three close friends, watched Ajab Prem ki Ghazab Kahani (which is a great laugh riot btw - but still didn't quite cheer me up) and had lunch. I received some nice gifts (thank you people - you know who you are!). In fact, I even got my first ever pay cheque just 2 days ago so that makes this birthday kind of unique from the rest and pretty special too. (I can't quite stop gazing adoringly at that little slip of paper with my name and a certain very appealing amount of money printed together on it! - it's a good, GOOD feeling to know I've actually EARNED all of it!)
But of course, despite all of that, something was (is) still missing. If you read my last post, you would understand what. This will sound stupid but a little part of me - okay, much more than a little actually - was secretly hoping that he would call and say something that would magically restore things to the way they used to be. It is far fetched but in my heart of hearts I couldn't help wishing that the whole 'friendship called off' thing was just another one of his stupid practical jokes. But, as is often the case when you want something MORE THAN ANYTHING EVER, no such thing happened or seems likely to happen anytime soon. He did wish me (for old times' sake I guess), but things still stand as he had said they would. God, this is just so terrible. . . Why is it that when someone suddenly leaves your life, everything - EVERY SMALL DAMN THING - somehow reminds you of them? WHY? Apart from the usual things that I've always associated with him (like some particular kind of music or the usual time of day when we would be chatting online), now even seemingly unrelated stuff somehow forms a direct connection to him inside my brain. I hate it. I just want to forget. Sometimes I wish memories could be erased - they have such an annoying way of torturing me and filling me up with this unbearable bittersweet nostalgia/regret/desperation/helplessness that doesn't let me eat/sleep/work/do anything else in peace. Oh God, please help...help help help!
However, this whole cyclone that seems to have hit my life at last (yes, I had kind of sensed it building up over the past few months) did bring about a couple of pleasant surprises. A BFF from my school days called up! (Love you A!) We heard each other after over FOUR YEARS. Honestly, FOUR YEARS!! Where the hell did four years PASS? But the thing is neither of us has changed much. She's still mad and funny and lovable and comes up with the wackiest insults! What's more is lots of other old friends got in touch too and I felt all overwhelmed that so many lovely people care about me.
I also happen to be surrounded by a bunch of real sweet, supportive friends who're trying their very best to cheer me up and I am so grateful to God for blessing me with them. :) Even some of the clients I work with unknowingly make me smile by the way they depend on me and trust me and appreciate my work.
Anyhoo, 22 it is then. Here's to another year of living and learning and sharing and caring and growing and loving. Happy Birthday to me.
I'll be seeing 2012 later today. Does anyone else find it ironic that I'm going to see a movie about the end of the world on my birthday? LOL.
Song that's at my lips these days: 'Milke bhi, hum na mile...tum se na jaane kyon...milon ke, hai faasle tumse najaane kyon...anjaane hai silsile tum se najane kyon...Kaise bataye kyon tujhko chahe, yaara bata na paaye...'
I have evolved; from a problem child to an ideal child, from a loner to a pleasant person with plenty of friends, from a timid, silent girl to a (somewhat) confident self-assured young woman; from a student who hated school from the very first day to a high-achiever who made it to the top 50 in her university graduating class; from a child who just would not learn how to wield her pencil properly round the letters of the alphabet to a writer whose pen flies so fast across the page that sometimes she can't make out her own handwriting. I sure have come a long way, experiencing the past twenty two years of this quizzical thing called life.
There has been so much happiness, and countless 'good times'. And there has been a fair amount of sadness and tragedy. I've known hundreds of people, been acquainted with even more. I have cherished people. I have lost a lot of them too - to death, and sometimes to life (life, as is typical of it, brought changes and separated us). I have been both good and bad; strong and weak; nice and mean. I have loved and I have hated. I have had my heart broken. I have somehow had it put back together too. I have had it broken again. I have erred and have stood corrected. I have been wronged and I have forgiven and forgotten. I have hurt and gotten over it. I have been scarred. I have lived.
So, how am I celebrating this 22nd landmark in my journey?
Well, compared to previous birthdays, this one is turning out to be a tad too much of a 'grown-upsy' one. To start with, today is a working day and EVERYONE (beginning with me) is just SO BUSY that I decided to celebrate yesterday. I met three close friends, watched Ajab Prem ki Ghazab Kahani (which is a great laugh riot btw - but still didn't quite cheer me up) and had lunch. I received some nice gifts (thank you people - you know who you are!). In fact, I even got my first ever pay cheque just 2 days ago so that makes this birthday kind of unique from the rest and pretty special too. (I can't quite stop gazing adoringly at that little slip of paper with my name and a certain very appealing amount of money printed together on it! - it's a good, GOOD feeling to know I've actually EARNED all of it!)
But of course, despite all of that, something was (is) still missing. If you read my last post, you would understand what. This will sound stupid but a little part of me - okay, much more than a little actually - was secretly hoping that he would call and say something that would magically restore things to the way they used to be. It is far fetched but in my heart of hearts I couldn't help wishing that the whole 'friendship called off' thing was just another one of his stupid practical jokes. But, as is often the case when you want something MORE THAN ANYTHING EVER, no such thing happened or seems likely to happen anytime soon. He did wish me (for old times' sake I guess), but things still stand as he had said they would. God, this is just so terrible. . . Why is it that when someone suddenly leaves your life, everything - EVERY SMALL DAMN THING - somehow reminds you of them? WHY? Apart from the usual things that I've always associated with him (like some particular kind of music or the usual time of day when we would be chatting online), now even seemingly unrelated stuff somehow forms a direct connection to him inside my brain. I hate it. I just want to forget. Sometimes I wish memories could be erased - they have such an annoying way of torturing me and filling me up with this unbearable bittersweet nostalgia/regret/desperation/helplessness that doesn't let me eat/sleep/work/do anything else in peace. Oh God, please help...help help help!
However, this whole cyclone that seems to have hit my life at last (yes, I had kind of sensed it building up over the past few months) did bring about a couple of pleasant surprises. A BFF from my school days called up! (Love you A!) We heard each other after over FOUR YEARS. Honestly, FOUR YEARS!! Where the hell did four years PASS? But the thing is neither of us has changed much. She's still mad and funny and lovable and comes up with the wackiest insults! What's more is lots of other old friends got in touch too and I felt all overwhelmed that so many lovely people care about me.
I also happen to be surrounded by a bunch of real sweet, supportive friends who're trying their very best to cheer me up and I am so grateful to God for blessing me with them. :) Even some of the clients I work with unknowingly make me smile by the way they depend on me and trust me and appreciate my work.
Anyhoo, 22 it is then. Here's to another year of living and learning and sharing and caring and growing and loving. Happy Birthday to me.
I'll be seeing 2012 later today. Does anyone else find it ironic that I'm going to see a movie about the end of the world on my birthday? LOL.
Song that's at my lips these days: 'Milke bhi, hum na mile...tum se na jaane kyon...milon ke, hai faasle tumse najaane kyon...anjaane hai silsile tum se najane kyon...Kaise bataye kyon tujhko chahe, yaara bata na paaye...'
Just one of the many many memories. . .
This is a poem I wrote a long time ago. I had originally planned to post it here, but then, I had kind of given it to a friend who wished to give it to his ex-girlfriend. As it turned out, he never got a chance to give it to her. And now, I regret I ever shared this with him in the first place. Because my friend has made an exit from my life.
He has been mentioned here on this blog innumerable times. He has inspired a lot of my writing. But our friendship is over now. I am shattered, yes, but I do believe that something good comes out of every horrible thing life throws at us. I will miss him terribly; I don't know whether I will ever stop missing him. I totally broke down when he called things off. I didn't even know that friendships could be 'called off' in much the same way as romantic relationships. But apparently, they can.
He used to read my writing earlier, this 'ex-friend' of mine. He was in fact the first person whose opinion I liked to get and valued. And it would make me happy that even though he hates to read, he would never refuse me. He liked to find spelling mistakes in everything I wrote. But he will probably never read this now because he is not even on my Facebook friends list from where he usually accessed my blog.
To the friend I will miss for the rest of my life and would do anything to win back, this one is for you (yet again). And I really am very sorry about everything (yet again). Perhaps this is the reason why you never got around to giving it to her. It was destined to be given to YOU. By me.)
The world rushes past, in a complicated haze
While I stand still, frozen in a daze
My mind is a mess,
Like a junkyard, holding more than it can contain
My heart is worse off,
tearing apart, screaming in pain.
Never had I imagined, things would come to this
That such misery would take away my bliss
Every second I wonder, what went wrong so suddenly
Our journey together seemed to be going so smoothly
I still love you
Despite how you’ve cut yourself away
I miss you
Every moment, be it night or day
What we shared was so special, so pure, so rare
That now it’s impossible, not to care.
When you were by my side, my world was complete
If life’s a song, you were my rhythm, my beat
But since you’ve left,
I’m weak inside, shattered beyond repair
There’s no more song,
Just a throbbing pain, impossible to bear
I live in constant hope, that maybe you’ll return
For you, I wait, I pine, I yearn
p.s. I know the poem is a romantic one, not a friendly one. But the point is that he had liked it. And since he has no more use for it, I thought I might as well use it for it's originally intended purpose and publish it here.
I will never stop hoping to have him back in my life one day. . .In the meantime, this devastating despair of losing him is bound to inspire even more of the words that flow out of my heart and fill these virtual pages.
He has been mentioned here on this blog innumerable times. He has inspired a lot of my writing. But our friendship is over now. I am shattered, yes, but I do believe that something good comes out of every horrible thing life throws at us. I will miss him terribly; I don't know whether I will ever stop missing him. I totally broke down when he called things off. I didn't even know that friendships could be 'called off' in much the same way as romantic relationships. But apparently, they can.
He used to read my writing earlier, this 'ex-friend' of mine. He was in fact the first person whose opinion I liked to get and valued. And it would make me happy that even though he hates to read, he would never refuse me. He liked to find spelling mistakes in everything I wrote. But he will probably never read this now because he is not even on my Facebook friends list from where he usually accessed my blog.
To the friend I will miss for the rest of my life and would do anything to win back, this one is for you (yet again). And I really am very sorry about everything (yet again). Perhaps this is the reason why you never got around to giving it to her. It was destined to be given to YOU. By me.)
The world rushes past, in a complicated haze
While I stand still, frozen in a daze
My mind is a mess,
Like a junkyard, holding more than it can contain
My heart is worse off,
tearing apart, screaming in pain.
Never had I imagined, things would come to this
That such misery would take away my bliss
Every second I wonder, what went wrong so suddenly
Our journey together seemed to be going so smoothly
I still love you
Despite how you’ve cut yourself away
I miss you
Every moment, be it night or day
What we shared was so special, so pure, so rare
That now it’s impossible, not to care.
When you were by my side, my world was complete
If life’s a song, you were my rhythm, my beat
But since you’ve left,
I’m weak inside, shattered beyond repair
There’s no more song,
Just a throbbing pain, impossible to bear
I live in constant hope, that maybe you’ll return
For you, I wait, I pine, I yearn
p.s. I know the poem is a romantic one, not a friendly one. But the point is that he had liked it. And since he has no more use for it, I thought I might as well use it for it's originally intended purpose and publish it here.
I will never stop hoping to have him back in my life one day. . .In the meantime, this devastating despair of losing him is bound to inspire even more of the words that flow out of my heart and fill these virtual pages.
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