Lonely/Lonesome

Today is essentially a holiday but i didn't have an off so I sit here at work, alone, because my colleagues are on leave.

I work at an educational institute so there are no classes today and hence, the place is eerily quiet. I usually like being by myself with a computer and some silence because it means I can write, but it feels somewhat wrong today. I don't know why but it just does. I could leave early and go home but that would make me feel worse I'm sure. I could go watch a movie, by myself, but there are no good movies on.

So I've turned to the faithful Internet and am chatting on gtalk. Just one friend online though. Another friend, the one I would have liked to talk to, isn't there, which seems odd because he is always there. He's probably gone home since he lives in a hostel. He didn't mention that he would be going and I shouldn't feel bad about it because i hardly know him but I can't help but feel bad and there's nothing i can do to not feel bad. I wish he had told me so that i wouldn't find his absence from my chat list strange and distracting. well, I wish he would tell me a lot of other things too but of course, he doesn't. Gosh, what is wrong with me. It can't even be PMS.

My mood has been majorly effed up these past few days - or weeks. I think it's because I'm a gypsy at heart. I like to move around - I need it almost. Too long a stay in one place and I get claustrophobic and insane all at once. I haven't been on a holiday, even a short one, for almost five years now. There are reasons for it, depressing of course, but I think it's getting to me. No, make that I KNOW it's getting to me. I'm absolutely sick and tired of the routine, the city, the atmosphere, the people. I deserve a break but am unable to take one. When I'm a rich and established writer, I'll never stay in one place too long. I would like to move around, one city to another, one set of people to another, gleaning stories from them all. That would be fun. Exciting. Enriching.

And then I won't get attached to anyone, especially useless people who don't care for me when I miss them oh SO much.

To make it worse, when I arrived on campus this morning and was walking towards my office, a group of three guys emerged from the canteen and were walking behind me and then one of them spoke and his voice was SO MUCH like the friend who I am obsessing over. Ugh. As if I needed reminding of him first thing in the morning of a long, lonely day.

Sometimes, I think how totally sad my life would be without gtalk and facebook and that thought makes me sadder still.

Oh well, I'll go to the library perhaps. If it's open, I'll sit and read there. I always feel at ease with books, after all. They are not selfish and mean like people. And they don't disappear and reappear as and when they please.

Happy Raksha-Bandhan, by the way. :)