Facebook. And Friendship.

I wrote this post, then thought of deleting it because it sounds very juvenile. Then I thought, what the hell, it's MY blog, I post what I want. If its juvenile, so be it. :D

Love it or deny it, Facebook's become a part of our lives if we use the internet on a regular basis. You may log on often or rarely; may have a couple of friends or a couple of hundred connections, be apt at using it or not understand the finer details, it doesn't matter. What matters is that FB's redefined our ways of keeping in touch, reaching out, providing support, and of course, expressing ourselves, our thoughts, opinions, moods, experiences, personality, feelings, everything.

It wouldn't be wrong to say then that it's also a forum where we unconsciously express our affection towards friends, family, and of course better halves. Forget the latter two, let's consider friends.

Look through your profile and you will see that the people who really matter to you are all over it (provided of course, that they are regular users of the portal). Wall posts, messages, photos, comments, 'likes': they're all small things, little gestures of interaction and appreciation, or sharing of opinions, but they do add a certain aspect of fun to friendships. They may be superficial, virtual things but still, I believe they add depth to a relation because you get a good feeling when someone you hold dear 'likes' or responds to something you post. Isn't it true? If it's not true, you wouldn't post anything at all, I believe. Isn't interaction the whole POINT of a social network?

Well, so then, am I being unreasonable if I expect a friend who is always on Facebook and always interacting with OTHER friends to at least SOMEDAY show up on MY profile, drop a comment here or there? It doesn't even have to be a 'like' or a positive comment; tell me nasty stuff or pointless things too and I'll be happy, but for God's sake, don't ignore me and act like I mean nothing, like nothing I ever post is worth giving any response to.

Now, don't get me wrong here. I'm not one of those silly, insecure people who feels bad when nobody comments on her updates, I just feel bad when one particular person NEVER acknowledges my existence on their News Feed. Call me a kid or an attention-seeker or label me jealous of all the other people who my friend DOES Facebook with, I don't really care what you call me; I'm just being truly, starkly honest.

Agreed that Facebook interaction is definitely not the end all and be all of a friendship, neither is it a determinant of who cares and doesn't care for you. But it IS important when it comes to nurturing a friendship, especially a friendship which is largely online and phone-based because it's not always possible to meet. Lots of people comment on my updates, some whom I don't even know that well, then why doesn't the ONE person who is so important to me? I can't even describe the angry feeling I get when every time I log in, I see some update about 'important person' liking/commenting upon other people's statuses/photos/notes. I tried to tell them about it, but oh well, nothing came of that, surprise surprise.



Maybe I AM insecure, maybe I AM jealous, well SO? I think a certain amount of such negative feelings do creep into close friendships at times. I think it's normal to notice when someone who means a lot has all the Facebook time in the world for other people but not me. I think it's normal to feel bad about it. And I think it's normal to blog about little things that bug me.

And it's definitely normal for you to leave a comment of your choice on this rant of mine, so kindly go ahead. (You're allowed to call me an attention-seeker and all such things; I'm expecting it!! :P)

Image is from www.cartoonstock.com

If wishes were horses....

I've never understood the meaning of that phrase. Yet I'm using it as a title. Maybe I should Google it right now, for once and for all. Anyways, I won't blabber much, here is some free verse I wrote:

NOTE: Please do not think I'm materialistic. :P It's just for the sake of imagination, honest. :)

One day I’ll be the pretty girl,

The type that hot guys lust after;

One day I’ll be Ms. Popular,

Ensconced in love and laughter.

One day I’ll wear designer clothes,

And sexy shoes to match;

One day I’ll travel all the time,

Oh so difficult to catch.

One day I’ll ride a BMW,

Black and chic and chauffeured;

One day I’ll be jet-setting,

At last, a free bird.

One day I’ll use the latest Apple gadgets,

And snazzy N-series phones;

One day my Facebook uploads

Will generate comments storms.

One day I’ll own a diamond watch,

And limited edition Chanel bags.

One day I’ll be writing

For all the top fashion mags.

One day he’ll be the one calling

To ask me for a date.

One day I’ll turn him down,

He’ll be too bloody late.

One day I’ll be committed

To the one who’s made for me.

One day I’ll finally be satisfied,

Content to simply be.

While writing that, somehow, a few Hindi thoughts were popping into my head, which is how I came up with a sort of couplet/shayri in Hindi along the same theme. Please don't laugh. I don't usually write in Hindi, so this is quite rough:

Ek din hongi khushiyan hi khushiyan,

Na dard, na dukh, bas aaram.

Ek din sajengi mehfilein

Sirf humare naam.

Ek din milenge hum unse

Jo banne hai bas humare liye;

Ek din hoga ehsaas ke haan,

haseen zindagi hum bhi hai jeeye.

I said DON'T LAUGH. :P

I'm a mere mortal; I plead.

Dear God,

I know there's still over two months to go, but I really don’t want to spend my New Year’s Eve 2010 on a train to someplace I don’t even want to visit. I was SUPPOSED to be going on a completely different trip, remember? But of course, you, with your reasoning that makes sense only to YOU, didn’t make that quite work out. Which was okay. I didn’t even complain that much, but now, I can’t help the complaining.

I can think of a LOT of things I’d like to do on New Year’s Eve but as you very well know, none of them have ever been feasible because of course, I can’t go out at night or meet the people I want to, either because they are too far away or are of the opposite sex or both. Yet, I’ve never quite complained about that either. I quietly accepted my boring fate and have spent almost every New Year’s Eve of my life sitting at home (like almost every other night of the year). Watching a movie or reading or lately, writing a blog post here. Just like how I’ve accepted that I’m no longer allowed to wear t-shirts or other regular western clothes because my mom is weird and thinks they are indecent. Or how I’ve accepted that I can’t drive because you blessed me with poor eyesight. Or how I’ve accepted that I’m just not that good looking to have a nice boyfriend. I’ve accepted it all, haven’t I? But this time, what you’ve ordained me to is just a bit too unfair, don’t you think?

No. Of course you don’t. Or you wouldn’t have put me in this place. Or maybe you just put me here to test me, as usual, to test my faith in you. But God, enough of the tests now. Give it a rest, will you? Please? Please just give me at least SOMETHING that I want. You don’t need to test me. I trust you and believe in you a lot more than most of the hypocrites who bow down to you everyday yet show not a trace of REAL faith when it actually comes down to it.

I won’t say much more because you know exactly what small, teensy little happiness I’m praying for this yearend, so I’ll leave it up to you to grant it to me. Okay, maybe it’s not that teensy as such, it’s quite big, but hey, what’s BIG to you? You’re GOD, after all, right?

Please, just this once, grant me a miracle of sorts and let me have the kind of New Year’s Eve I’ve always envisioned.

You give me lots of little happinesses every single day, which I’m very grateful for, as you know. This time, please give me something BIG to grin about?

Until next time, love always,

Me.

P.S. You know, you don't always have to give me what I want, but at least don't always give me what I definitely DON"T want!

Psychobabble

Do you ever have that feeling, when you're angry at nothing and everything at once, nobody and everybody at once? When you just want to jump off the face of the planet so that you won't have to feel or think or do anything any more?

Do you ever feel like going to an isolated rooftop and screaming at the top of your lungs till you lose your voice? A seashore would work too.

Do you ever feel so positively NEGATIVE that you are frustrated with your own existence and just want to fade away into nothingness? Or sleep and sleep and sleep and not have to wake up until you feel ready?

It is not self-pity. It is not sorrow. It is not a pathetic state of being or an overreaction. It is just a phase. A phase where you feel trapped even when you are actually a free bird with nothing to complain about.

Or maybe it is a psychological symptom and I am going mad.

Oh well, we're all mad I suppose. At least, in private. We're all schizophrenic to an extent. We just control it to make it appear otherwise.

What am I saying? I don't know. Sorry, I shouldn't waste your time like this. I'm wasting my own too. Go on, go away. Come back some other time when I write something good. If I ever write something good again. I hope I do. I will try to.

Don't give up on me. Not yet. Please.

The Girl I Used To Be. . .

WARNING: If you don't like my usual lovey-dovey nonsense, do not read further! :P

The girl I used to be was simple. And kind and calm and polite and mostly honest. She was the definition of 'sweetheart' though nobody called her that. Whatever came her way, she accepted it graciously, good or bad. She never lost control, or overreacted or felt overwhelmed. At least, never in front of anyone. She hardly ever felt such negative emotions as jealousy and anger and hurt and insufficiency (if that's an emotion at all!) She was always just balanced, unaffected, unattached. She was comfortable alone, with her thoughts and her feelings and her dreams and desires. She knew that someday, things would change.

She was right.

She fell in love.

And how.

First came passion, like a giant wave that overrode her and swept her away into the wild, wild ocean of desire. She wanted him, like she'd wanted nothing else ever before. She was convinced, like an irrational child who expects rewards for every good deed, that HE was the prize for all her years of being so nice and patient and sickeningly goody goody. Having HIM would make up for all the years she had not had anyone special to talk to, share her innermost feelings with, reveal her truest self to. Oh yes, he was made for her, she knew it. Well, no, not quite. Deep down somewhere, she knew it was a delusion, a hoax, a sick joke. She knew he would never be hers. But that didn't stop her from loving him with everything she had, loving him fully and loving him true.

She shouldn't have. For that's where the problems stemmed from. The girl who had always been nothing but calm and balanced began to, quite literally, 'lose it'. First came longing, then came pain when the longing went unfulfilled. Then came insecurity and jealousy and hurt and a battered self-esteem and shattered self-confidence. Bitter words and bitterer fights, bitterest feelings of breaking up inside. When would she ever get out of the self-created vicious cycle of loving him and feeling hurt and manifesting the hurt in jealousy and anger only to end up more hurt but still loving?

She didn't know.

He didn't care.

It wasn't his fault.

She had brought it upon herself.

He hadn't told her to love him.

She had brought it upon herself, the girl I used to be.

She shouldn't have been so naive.

Good that she died, the girl I used to be.

Or is it?

Love murdered her, nice and slow.

Or did it?

True Life Tales - 1

I am so sorry, everyone. Readers, I know the quality of my posts has been steadily declining (although I do like the last one I wrote) and my IndiRank just fell from 79 to 71. I'm not really the type to run after rankings but I do know I haven't written anything good in quite long. Neither have I read any of the blogs I usually do. I promise to catch up soon. Please don't think I'm an insufferable bitch who has no time for anyone but herself. O.k., I don't know where that came from but oh well, getting to the point, in a bid to bring my blog back up to the mark, I am introducing a special category called True Life Tales. I'll be posting a long series of stories about interesting real life experiences, my own or other people's whom I know. Here is the first one which isn't THAT interesting but is definitely a good change from all the lovey-dovey nonsense you usually find on Sempiternal Scribbles.

16 November 2005

It was my eighteenth birthday. A big deal, supposedly, but not really. For one, I had been writing midterm exams at the University of Toronto and my mind was completely saturated with disturbing stuff like trigonometric identities and weird calculus symbols and weirder chemistry equations. For another thing, I had no money or close friends to go out with and celebrate. Plus, I wasn't feeling too well - it was my first winter in Canada and although I loved it, the cold had taken its toll and left me sick. The only plans I had for the day were to attend classes, do some homework and sleep. Of course, my parents called to wish me. So did my brother and a late aunt. And my suitemates wished me, though we weren't really the close-knit kind of suitemates you find in movies who throw surprise parties and set you up with the boy you have a crush on. In fact, one of them was close to a nervous breakdown because she was failing her Physics course, so a suite party was out of the question. Which is o.k. because I'm not much of a party person anyway.I think.

Now, getting to the interesting part or rather, 'the point' of the story, in the evening, around four or five p.m., I decided to go down to the campus medical center to get a flu shot. I'd been advised to do this by friends and well-wishers who knew I was new to the country and were worried that I'd fall even more sick as the winter progressed. With more exams coming up, I really needed to be in better health so decided to go and get this 'flu shot' whatever it was. Now, I had never heard of getting vaccinated against a regular flu. I was always under the impression that vaccinations are for serious stuff like yellow fever and what not. So I was quite surprised to find a long, long queue which snaked all the way down the staircase to the floor below where the medical center was. If it had been India, I'd have spent at least four hours standing there (because of course, it would not move and people would try to jump line and do other such crappy things which they mistakenly believe to be quite smart) but it was not, so I guessed that it'd take about an hour or so. (Not that I'm trying to insult the way things happen in India. I'm just being honest.)

Wondering what the hell I was doing all alone in a stupid flu-shot line on my eighteenth birthday - the day that is traditionally supposed to be like a sort of major landmark in life - I patiently waited my turn, hearing random snatches of conversation from people around me, noticing how there was such a mix of accents and dialects, checking out a cute guy or two, and feeling more and more lonesome as the minutes ticked by.

Half an hour later, I had reached right outside the medical center and had just a few people ahead of me. That was when, out of nowhere, the girl two places ahead of me turned to talk to the girl right in front of me. And somehow I got included in the conversation too. Then, I don't know what led to her saying:

"It's my birthday today!"

"Oh, happy birthday!" said the other girl.

"It's my birthday too." I said, more to myself than to either of them.

"Aw, really? Wow. That's such a coincidence!" my birthday mate said, her eyes brightening, her smile widening.

"Happy birthday!" the second girl said.

"Thanks," I said to her as well as the few other people around us who had heard and turned to wish me and the girl with the bright eyes.

"So what are you doing tonight?" she asked me with excitement.

"Err..." I did not want to sound like a loser and tell her that I had absolutely nothing to do. Luckily, she came to my rescue by going on.

"I'm going to a concert. My boyfriend is performing."

Then, as an afterthought: "Would you like to come? I'm sure passes are still available."

How absolutely wonderful. A concert. I had never been to a concert before, nevermind with someone I barely knew. The person that I am today would have jumped at the opportunity. I would have said an excited 'Yes!' and made sure that I went to that concert and had the best damn time possible. But the person I was at that time was boring and always afraid of the unknown. My upbringing and background had instilled a kind of horror of going anywhere late at night, alone, or with people whom I didn't know. Who knew what could happen?! How would I make it back to my residence? I didn't even know the city that well yet. I was overcautious and restrained and so I politely turned her down, falsely convincing the part of me which wanted to go that concerts weren't really my thing. Yeah, right. I was more worried that the ticket would be too expensive, a hundred dollars or so. So I didn't even bother asking what the price was.

Someone I know tells me all the time that I'm a contradictory person and I have to admit, sometimes I am. I wanted to go, I was bored and lonely and feeling somewhat pathetic that I didn't have anyone to celebrate my eighteenth birthday with, yet, when I got a great opportunity to make a new friend and go to a music concert, I shyly turned it down and progressed to feeling even worse for myself.

Now, when I never get chances to go anywhere half as interesting as a concert, I often think back to that day and regret not having gone. I would have probably have made some new friends and had fun. But no, I was afraid. Of what, I don't quite know.

The girl was very friendly. We chatted some more till it was her turn to go in and get her shot, after which she left. We didn't even ask each other's names. But she comes back to my mind every now and then, and especially on my birthday. I wonder if she too remembers me, the stranger she met in the flu shot line on her birthday five years ago.

Since then, I have met two more people who share my birthday (one college friend, one blogging friend) and I think of all of them every time the sixteenth day of November comes around.

We meet so many people in life, only a handful of them actually stay, but most do leave some kind of impression, even if it's just so much as a vague memory.

They leave footprints on the sands of our paths.

I find it fascinating.

P.s. I am also going to be doing the Letters Tag very soon! That should be interesting and hopefully, it will give my writing muscles a much-needed jump start.

Coming Full Circle?

He was like a sun that burst into the horizon just when she was beginning to lose against the cold, dreary winter that had been her life so long.

She fell in love with him, obviously. Naturally, boundlessly, irrevocably, ever since the very first day. But it was years before she said it out loud:

"I love you."

"I know. It's pretty obvious."

Silence.

"Try not to think about it too much."

Silence.

Naina Laggeyan Baarsihan
Tu sukke sukke sapne vi pijj gaye
Naina Laggeyan Baarsihan
Rove palkan de Kone vich neend meri

She did as he said, for he was like a God to her, and how could she not listen to God? At least, she TRIED to do as he said, but it was hard. For he was an inseperable part of her life now. She talked to him all the time, met him now and then. How she loved his company; how delighted she was to be his friend, to be close to him, to have him there, all the time. How she longed to be his even though inside, she knew, it would never work. They were too different. But still, she was in love, and love makes even the most cautious of us cavalier, so she slipped and couldn't control her emotions. And she let him know again and again how very much she adored him, needed him, wanted him.

At first, he ignored it, but one day he had enough of her possessiveness, her insecurities about losing him, her obsessive love that was edging onto a madness of sorts:

"For God's sake, why can't you get it through your head, I don't love you? We can never be anything more than friends! Never. The sooner you realise that, the happier you will be. Please, you have to come out of your dreamworld. Face reality. You are nothing to me. MOVE ON!"

Kaali kaali khaali raaton se
Hone lagi hai dosti

Naina Laggeyan Baarsihan
Rove palkan de Kone vich neend meri

She "moved on", as he'd advised, tried to at least. But alas it was SO hard. The more she wanted to forget him, the more he came to mind. The more she ran from his memories, the stronger they clung to her, entangling her in a trap, driving her insane. Everywhere she looked, everything she saw, everyone she met, somehow reminded her of him. Even after months had passed. Even after the months turned to a year. A voice, a song, a word, a film would drag her back to that glorious time she had been his friend, known him well, known his scent and the details of his face and the nuances of his voice. Known him as if he was hers. Almost.

Har pal her lamha, main kaise sehta hoon
Har pal her lamha main khud se yeh kehta rehta hoon

Tujhe bhula diya, oh
Phir kyun teri yaadon ne
Mujhe rula diya?

Then one day, destiny or God or whatever finally seemed to be on her side and she met someone new. Someone cute and nice who made her smile and feel special, just like that. Almost against her will, she fell for him, on the rebound but unaware. Just looking for some distraction, something to make her feel better again.

She was happy. After a long time. But alas, the happiness that's dependent on another person is no happiness at all and hardly lasts. Before long, he was gone, back to wherever he had come from. blissfully unaware of how she had set her heart and her hopes on him.

Alone again, this time she was crushed, damaged deep inside somewhere, even though life on the surface seemed pretty all right.

She finally realized how she had never gotten over him, her first love, never really 'moved on'. And once again, she sank into his memories as if they were quicksand, coming up around her, pulling her in, swallowing her up whole.

All she had wanted was someone to love, a special companion, but destiny or God or whatever had something else in mind.

Teri yaadon mein likhte jo lafz dete hai sunaai
beete lamhe poochhte hain kyun hue aise juda.. khuda,
Khuda mila jo yeh faisla hain
Khuda tera hi yeh faisla hain
Khuda hona tha woh ho gaya
Jo tune thha likha

Dol pal tujh se juda thha,
Aise phir rasta muda thha,
Tujh se main khone laga,
Juda jaise hone laga,
Mujh se kuch mera

The something else turned out to be a blast from the past. She ran into him one day, at first thinking it was just a hallucination from all his memories that were playing havoc on her mind. But when he spoke, his voice made her snap out of it, his voice that she loved like no other sound in the world.

"It's been ages! How are you?"

"Good."

"Great! It's great to see you. I'm so glad. This means we can start over."

Questioning look. Silence.

"As friends? Now that you've had time away from me, now that you're finally over me, we can be friends in the proper sense, right? I've kind of missed you."

Stupefied silence.

"Wait, you ARE over me, right?" Chuckle chuckle.

Silence. Stupid smile.

Tu hi mera liye abb kar dua,
Tu hi is dard se kar de juda,
Tera hoke tera jo main na raha,
Main yeh khud se kehta hoon,

Tujhe bhula diya, oh,
Tujhe bhula diya, oh
Tujhe bhula diya, oh
Phir kyun teri yaadon ne
Mujhe rula diya

Naina Laggeyan Baarsihan
Tu sukke sukke sapne vi pijj gaye
Naina Laggeyan Baarsihan
Rut birha de badlan di chhaa gay

You're only going to break break my heart

I know some guys whose personalities fit perfectly with this song:

LOL.

Why are there are so many players in the world?

Why do people break other people's hearts and have no regret about it?

Will I ever break someone's heart?

What would it be like to be a player and a flirt? To hop from one fling to another, all smooth and casual, no strings attached?

Don't people like that have any emotions? Do they ever fall in true love?

Will I ever fall in true love?

Yeah, I know they are stupid, unanswerable questions but still.

This is what happens when I'm too lazy to write a proper post.

Sorry.

The song is nice though. :) Discovered it on MTV.