Anger and I

It boils inside me, simmering just under the surface all the time but rarely making it's presence known to the world. There are too many things that piss me off, I think: stereotypes and sex roles, rules, norms, society, bullies, bitchy people, controversy, crime, evil, injustice, lack of justice, waste, pollution, abuse, and the list goes on and on.

Yes, I am a very angry person. Problem is that I don't quite know WHO exactly to direct this anger towards. Some times, I chastise God for letting the world be a messed up place, but most of the time, I turn the fury onto myself: let it burn me up inside so that nothing is left but cynicism and doubt and a sense of utter weariness.

I think this is because from a young age, I became conditioned to NEVER overtly express my anger. I did throw the usual childish tantrums but was put right straight away. As I grew, I became more and more restrained and thought it inappropriate to shout or scream or do any such thing. To date, I can't really raise my voice at all.

Most people assume I am just a calm person who doesn't like to make an issue out of anything, some perhaps take me to be meek, but a select few have noticed that underneath my collected exterior lies a volcano that has been raging and bubbling for far too long. They correctly predict that the day I eventually snap won't be a pretty day at all. It scares me a lot, how much anger I have bottled up inside me: years and years worth of unsaid words and unexpressed feelings and frustrations and conflicts. I often feel like going to a hilltop and screaming my lungs out. I am pretty sure I would break down into tears after that.

Somehow for me, tears have always been synonymous to anger. Instead of yelling my head off, I dissolve into sobs. It's kind of pathetic, really. But then, crying does make me feel sort of better than yelling would.

I think there is just one person who has truly seen what a total mess I can be when my anger erupts, mixing with other feelings like hurt and loneliness and causing me to say and do the most ridiculous of things. Like a child. Or worse, actually. And that person is also the one I love(d) more than I can ever love anyone. Why do I get angry at people I love? And then sit and cry about it? What is wrong with me, honestly?

It's okay, you don't need to actually answer those questions. I don't think I want to hear any responses. :P