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Friday, September 28, 2012

Give and take is what makes or breaks?

What constitutes the formation of a new friendship? How do we know when someone who is essentially a stranger officially becomes our "friend"? Is it just an internal feeling that we have or something more concrete like the amount of conversation we have with them and what the conversation consists of? I feel that I have always been the first to jump the gun and consider people my "friends" much before they actually grow close to me. Just one meaningful exchange is enough to plant the seeds of friendship for me, but often, this is not so for the other person. I think people take time to warm up to me, and perhaps the vice versa is true too because I am such a quiet and 'closed' person, but it still hurts when you obviously care about someone more than they care about you, especially when this happens at the beginning of a potential friendship. It is as if the other person is writing you off before even giving you a chance. How are such decisions made, I have no idea. Though, contradictory as I am, perhaps I too do this very thing and never think twice about it.
Nonetheless, I still feel bad to be the lesser preferred friend. I hate it when people I want to be close to choose others over me. It fuels the inferiority complex I've had since a young age, but perhaps also feeds off this very characteristic. Like a vicious cycle that I'll never be able to break out of: I feel inferior so i get treated that way, which only makes me feel more inferior. It's maddening. And sad. And in a bid to protect myself from this, I've become weird. i have huge ego issues over calling and texting "friends". I will only text you if you text me first sometimes. I will only call you if you reciprocate properly. And if you don't, I will be miserable but won't tell you because I know it will make me look pathetic. Phew. So much complication over an arguably simple thing called friendship. Why do I find it so hard to make friends? Why am I so reserved so many times? Why do i end up shutting people off when all I want is the exact opposite? Why do I get hurt so easily?
They are questions that I have no clear answers to, but all I can hope is that the cycle will break soon enough. 

2 scribbles scribbled back to me:

NINAD said...

same to same here :(
I have the same questions :(
Well let's hope we find our answers :)
nice post Mehak! keep writing!

Mehak said...

thank u NINAD. I guess a lot of people may have the same questions...